getting a box of chocolates

this is so interesting la.. yesterday i was jus praying and den i told God that i wanted to speak and do what He wanted me to do for net.. cuz i didn't wan to go in my own authority but His. and den i suddenly felt a quietening in my heart.. u know those times when u jus feel like keeping quiet? yeah.. and i knew that i was gonna hv somethign coming in from God.

well guess what came thru?

a box of chocolates! and it was like i jus saw this box of merci chocolates in my mind's eye.. but yet if i thnk back.. it wasn't really a big clear pic like how you dream or something like tt.. but more like an impression.. and i had in mind a big one.. like u know the biggest sized one? but den i jus asked.. is this from you God? do you wan me to buy the chocs? and at first i was jus amused.. like.. huh? why? so i jus told him.. well i'm gonna go buy the chocs.. but u lead me to it. and cool thing is.. when i was jus praying about net and looking thru the notes.. i found out more about what He wanted me to do with the chocs.

to give out like 3 to each person. n at first i thot like wad if not enough chocs or not enough pp there how?.. but den i jus felt all of a sudden that those that were there were the ones that were gonna carry out the vision and receive what was gonna transpire there.. so i jus thot.. jus do it lo. and so the idea was to give 3 to each. one for themselves and the other 2 to somebody who they wanted to establish a christian frenship with.. =) and why three? well i forgot to explain to em abut the triple braided cord thing.. and i had in my mind later on that these people/my net members are gonna be finding their 2 people and eventually hv a 'cell' on their own with 3 people including em! soo yeaaah.. somehow its like quite in line with the church vision.. the one that we started with for net.

and when i was thinking further abt the box of chocs.. i was jus reminded of the alabaster jar and the also of the time when the widow of the prophet went out to collect jars to pour stuff in. and when i was talking to em.. i jus challenged em to pour out their lives into the people arn em.. and that as they give the chocs.. they're like committing emselves to those people. and well chocs represent something pricey when the money could've gone elsewhere or the pleasure could've gone to themselves if they chose to eat the chocs. and that they're also ministering tot he Lord as they give to their friends lo..

so yep.. hope the msg and the chocs challenged em.. i'm really praying for this to take off and to let God's dream for ths net be revived and made real. i mean.. i wanan step out in faith lo.. =) and eeling had a dream that our net grew so big that our group had to split! soo.. it was wonderful! wonderful news!! =P really wanna see that happen lo.. heee

so yeah.. will cont later.. and pour out wad i need to pour out.. yep yep

prayer today

woaaah.. today was awesome.. and to think it happened right at home.. in my sister's room!

woke up today with the resolution that my prayer life was gonna change.. and i tink i was so excited that i just kept dreaming and praying even when i was supposed to be sleeping. that just shows how much an impact last nite left on me. gosh! i love my Jesus! =)

anyways.. went to my sister's room after standing at the window for a bit outside speaking in tongues quietly.. but den i decided that i'd feel more free in her room so i jus went there and 'unleashed' myself. phwooooar.. super powerful lo.. and i tink i was jus there speaking in tongues for a good 5mins or more. and i tink it really set the pace and i ignited my spirit-man. whee!

then i just started praying for my family.. my church.. my area.. singapore.. and den somehow i was jus led to confess to God how i didn't want Him to leave me.. that i didn't want to walk out of this experience and not carry His presence with me or just be the same old me that walked in the room or that walked in last nite. it was like i was almost afraid and desperate NOT to get back to where i was and den i jus started crying and tearing. and i knew that God was doing that work in me.. wow! i jus told Him that i wanted to go to a higher calling so i can see further and i asked Him for a vision and a dream and to re-ignite that spark in me. that I woud pray passionate prayers of faith... and the tears jus came. i dun even know why.. but that's how God works i guess.. in mysterious ways.. and that is exactly what draws me to Him and makes me get all excited for Him.. cuz u'll jus never know what'll come next and u know whatever comes.. its gonna be GREAT! AWESOME!

alright.. now i feel like i'm suddenly mentally cushioning and preparing myself that i will be disappointed at times.. and yes.. while i know that.. i also know that my God is BIG and He's powerful and mighty! and nothing's too big for Him to accomplish! so i'll keep believing.. keep trusting.. keep loving..

and i know that if i heed the voice of the spirit more and more.. i'll learn to hear Him louder and louder in my life.. and i want that to happen! i want to hear Him so much more.. and i want to be obedient.

prayed the solemn assemlbly prayer on consecration after i finished praying on my own.. and den read the Bible. and the solemn assbly one? wow.. i jus started rattling on.. and i knew i was being led by the Spirit to go into areas that i needed to go into.. and i tink it was the most passionate one yet since the first day.. =) hee..yay! i'm soooo fired up for Him.. and i wanna keep being that way!

last nite josh mentioned that i seem to know my calling.. after i mentioned htat i will always remember how Jesus' eyes look. and i can still remember.. they were soft.. they were brown.. they were filled with love.. and yet they were filled with the kind of power and authority that comes from a leader who knows what He's doing.. yeah.. it was a gaze that held me and still holds me.. =) and i remember the time at encounter when i saw Him on the Cross and later jus lifting me up..h olding my head up and telling me that everything was finished.

now.. these might be sound like their fantasized notions or something.. but.. yeah.. i nkow that somehow somewhere i've seen it.. and i know that it was really an encounter with God.. something made real in my life..

and abt my calling.. that day jie was saying that she thinks that i know exactly where i shld go alr.. and that God's alr told me where. and to be honest it caught me by surprise.. cuz while in my heart it jus clicked and i knew that wad she was saying was true.. i was also left wndering.. did God tell me already? cuz if He did.. i hope i didn't miss it.. but yeah.. it jsu reminded me of the calling that i received way back.. that i'd be a pastor of some sorts.. like over youth.. to shepherd em.. and i was telling jie that i dun feel ready if i were to be ym or something.. that i culdn't commit to the schedules.. that if i were like that.. den i couldn't get married or date?? and yeah.. i tink i need to bring it to God to help me work it out..

reason.. yes.. sometimes the very tools that God equipped us with serves to bring us away from living by faith when we forget the Person behind em.. and yeah..i tink i need to stop looking at things with physical eyes .. and stop reasoning within myself and jus trust.. just fall... into His arms..

i'm dancing up to where He is.. entering into His throne room with praise!

both of us at service

okay.. this is another aspect of today's service.. but in a way its linked.. cuz yeah.. we managed to concentrate on Him and i'm so glad for that.. i'd gladly sacrifice all the joshes in the world for God.. =) i mean.. i jus think that God's the one really in control.. and well.. He holds everything. He was the creator.

but it felt really nice to be beside him worshipping the same God.. and yeah.. it was nice seeing how he was so passionate and zealous for God. yeah! i'm glad we could both do that today. i felt so ministered to today.. and i tink i feel so much more strongly in my heart that we really shldn't go further than what we're at now.. yeah.. somehow i jus feel it la.. =)

prayer - service at CHC

wow! today was unbelievable an di tink God really poured something new in my heart.. and its like its been prepared for that moment the whole week.. and i jus wanna sing out a new song to God i jus can't wait to get going and walking with Him and jus keep praying and speaking and talking to Him. i wanna be in this partnership with Him!

okay first thing was during worship when we were jus well.. worshipping. its like i jus saw myself as the clay and i was in the darkness and i was jus crying out to Him. Lord.. here i am.. and wow.. i jus knew that He was the light that was coming to save me. to sum it up coherently.. i knew there and then that i needed God sooooooooo much and i jus wanted to give my all to Him.. to give myself till there's no more of me left. and yeah.. that set the stage for so much more i tink.

i shall attempt to write here whatever i remember cuz so much remember. and its like God did something in me sooo much more than i can comprehend of even detect. but i know that He's really put a new spark in my life. and now i know what and why i'm praying or even living. its like a whole new beginning for me. and new excitement that's been put into my heart. and i jus feel a new boldness to believe and take the step of faith. i feel like God's calling me to another level and i know i heard Him say.. 'raise the Standard'. and yes! i'm gonna declare His name.. and raise the Banner of Salvation for Him! woohooo!

and i know He loves me a lot! that He's not against me but FOR me! and the devil can't take that away! JESUS LOVES ME! and God was reaaaally trying to get His point across.. haa.. i dun go for prayer and He brings me to service .. abt Prayer! hahaha

it was jus awsesome.. will update more wheni can! =)

what makes a relationship?

been thinking abt this.. jus what is it exactly that makes up a relationship? is it the physical intimacy shared by two persons? or is it something that entails the sharing of lives between two people in a very special way? i'd think its the latter.. and if that's the case.. den am i not in a relationship alr? hmm.. and i tink, like what jie said that me and josh will eventually get together one lo.. its jus a matter of when. and really leh.. like in some sense.. i'm alr wondering.. what's the point of waiting then or rather.. how do we resume our lives knowing that we like each other already? but yet this sounds wrong in a way.. hmm.. something that i need to talk to him abt when we next breach it ba.. =) last nite he was talking about his mum being my mother-in-law alr la.. haha so it was kinda weird.. ar well.. i guess as long as i dun go off God can le.. and as long as he doesn't, i'm fine with it actually. somehow i'm not really into the when's e right timing thing even tho i still say it.. but i guess its more like right timing as in... whether spiritually we're both ready to take on something else like a relationship.. that we are matured enough ba.. not so much like waiting for the time when we can progress on unhindered in a relationship. cuz if that's e case then we'll really have to wait super long.. like till he grads or something. and he will change somemore one lo as he goes thru uni and all tt.. i'm jsu hoping that he goes to a local one.. cuz if overseas confirm v hard to sustain relationship one.. and its like.. i'm wondering.. sld we even be getting into a relationship? hmm.. God.. i need spiritual eyes to see this situation. and i pray that you reveal it to josh.. let him not be afraid of hurting me.. cuz more than anythign.. i want You to be with us in every step we take.. let it be in obedience to You.. and its tough.. but i know You can make it happen.. soften my heart Lord.. =)

awwww... melts

was saying/asking him in this way tt.. 'i'm not a screen saver or a time filler am i?' and i also talked abt needing to know his stand on this cuz so far i'm e one affirming it... and this was wad he sent

3:44pm nah you're not a screen saver nor a time filler... You are the operatin system... the central processin unit... Got something i wanna say but might not be appro

3:57pm eh? i could have chose to stay home and do my video or even play game rest and watch tv... K shall not continue to dwell on this might sprout things i shouldnt

4:09pm haha all i can say is the barney song kinda review what i say haha... sudden thoughts of it... k i said things i shouldn't

hahaha thank you josh! i know u didn't want to say this cuz u're afraid it'll affect my decision. but it doesn't.. cuz i know that the decision is God's and i'm jus glad i'm not in this alone. thank U Jesus! =)

of buses...

i realize that God really teaches me a whole lot abt His will and life in general thru me waiting at the bus stops.

#1: waiting for the one.

#2: taking the narrow road cuz you've alr got the goal and the real end in mind. so ur options will definitely have to narrow down if you really wanna get the specific and exact thing in mind. (i finally understood the analogy in the Bible! amazing! )

#3: His faithfulness in providing.

okay they're kinda linked la.. heh!

regarding him... he asked me on mon whetehr i still was interested in him cuz he said he wanted to start praying abt it.. and gosh.. i thot we were supposed to be praying abt it all this while. ha.. sometimes i jus hv no idea whad's going on man..

somehow i'm kinda afraid that i'm e only one in this relationship tango. i'm worried tt he's jus ambivalent abt it and i'm e one tt's jus insistent on the relationship. cuz if tt's e case den i'll rather not be in a relationship. have i been living under/in an illusion all this while? hmm.. its kidna worrying but i'm thinking of sounding things out wif him soon.. jus not now before my exams. and i dun like being cheated. as in.. sometimes i get the feeling that i'm jus a screensaver or a feel-good factor in his life. like.. only if he's free den he'll jus entertain me so i'll feel needed or loved. i mean.. i dun need it! i've got God and tt's all tt matters.

and after tt sunday wheni gave and placed him on the altar and decided to follow after God, i jus feel like i can go on in life without him. and i really jus am soo soo in love with God rite now.. tt jus now when he was being all naughty and mushy i jus couldn't stand it. it jus felt weird.. wrong even! i mean.. i'm confused.. one min u're saying that we shld be frens and that u're treating me like a fren.. but on the other hand.. u're saying this nonsense stuff to me! how am i supposed to think? and by not telling me whether u're interested in me and affirming tt.. i'm feeling a tad insecure now.. wad's going on.. hmm.. i guess tts wad's troubling me these days.. but i'm jus thaknful that i've got God. and cuz of Him.. i dun hv to worry abt him. heh heh! somehow i jus know things are gonna work out..

love you Jesus!

i'm loving my God! =)