i am sad

i feel emotionally bankrupt. i smile on the outside but beneath it all i'm cracked and lonely. the reason why i fill my life with activities is to fill that void inside that says that i'm useless and worthless or that i'm good for nothing. i keep myself busy running from activity to activity because i feel inadequate when it comes to making friends who i can talk to day and night. and i have no idea when this transformation took place. i always thot that i was able to make a friend out of anybody. but somehow that doesn't seem to be so. or maybe i'm jus paranoid cuz i'm judging it on what i've been feeling from dance blast. but i know i'm running away from something and right now i'm wondering what i'm doing all this for.

the time of reckoning is near and i feel empty. i'm a christian so how can i say this? but yet i feel that way. i long for a friend. someone who can hear me out without judging me. who won't preach at me. josh does that sometimes and my sister has her own burden to bear. my mum doesn't understand and my dad won't really too.. he can't even grasp the single sentences that i speak sometimes and honestly.. my parents have their own worries.

i long for support but yet i reject those that are offered because i want to prove that i'm strong. i sob in my room because outside, i want to smile. i dunno if its jus cuz i'm like that, weak, sensitive or if i'm just recovering from my parent's divorce - its effects which i'm not totally aware of or are in control of.

i feel like i'm not in a relationship anymore. i dun hold anything against God.. or maybe i do but i feel like josh values the things of his church more than me. i dun get smses or calls save for the one on monday nite which i really treasure. n its cuz i dun get to see him so often and when we do meet, its only for a while. i miss him so much, doesn't he know that. i want him to tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. and i want to tell this to him but i'm afraid that i'm too much. can he take it? i'm trying to send silent msgs to him, but he doesn't seem to get it. and i'm wondering if this is worth it or not. tues he's at prayer meeting when i'm thinking that maybe he might wan to get back after his monday stay-in so i don't arrange anything and wed he's out with his cell gp when i'm not at the party cuz i wan to talk to him. i tell him indirectlly that i miss having dinners with him without him rushing home or not eating cuz his mum's prepared dinner alr and he tells me very sweetly to have a good dinner. tonite i want to meet up and i guesss its my fault that i'm last minute but he has a song writing class at o school.

thing is, i don't want to be unreasonable. i know that his heart is in the right place, with God. and i dun even want to begin tussling with God over his heart or his time. things like these are limited and who am i to question God. if i were in his shoes, i'd do the same thing too. but i'm feeling these things.. and they aren't nice feelings. are they normal? i can't seem to help missing him or feeling like we should be spending more time together.

last nite papa called me to ask me where mummy was staying but i can't tell him.. and i jus felt pressured.. why me? emotional blackmail? tt seems to come from both sides.. but yet i see eveyrthing so clearly.. i see where everybody's coming from.. i'm still me.. i'm still rational. but why can't i be rational in how i feel? am i supposed to feel this way? do pp feel this way?

it didn't help that i got fish and chips instead of my chicken chop.. and when i wanted to go down to meet josh - time is very impt to me and for me to want to go down tt badly, i tink its value is pretty high - he says that he wants to pray before the workshop.. tt i shldn't.. so okay.. i back off.

pp expect me to be surrounded by friends. but they don't see the lonely person that's in me. i'm independent because i'm lonely and i want to show that i'm not.

i'm so hard to figure out because i don't let pp in. i don't want them to see the real me. the real weak me. i reveal that side to josh but he tells me to be strong and he wants me healed badly. i understand his intentions but i need time. and somehow it's stopping me from being the girl that i want to be. the weak me. the real me.

can anybody see this cry for help?

help.