angry?

i realize this.. that i'm actually angry with him... yesh.. angry.. and i tink its part of the cycle of getting past grief.. and i tink i'm angry that he wasn't much of a boyfriend when i needed him and he isn't much help now. i'm angry that he chose to do this now when i'm hurting the most and when my birthday is coming. i'm angry that he chooses to be so holy and mighty and perfect and ignores what's really happening on the ground. i'm angry that i made so many sacrifices for nothing and now i feel cheated of my feelings and flesh.. i feel like i've been made use of, to satisfy his carnal cravings and now that he's gotten his fill.. he's gone. i'm angry that he jus doesn't talk things through. i'm angry that he wasn't the guy i thot he was. i'm angry that because of this, i have a whole lot of explaining to do which isn't the most comfortable of things to do. the silence that results when i talk about it kills..

but yet i know that this is jus me talking. and i want to say tha ti understand but sometimes the anger gets to me an di know that if i don't get this out of the way i'll end up lik ea bitter old woman. and i know that a lot of it is not true even tho i think it is. because he's hurting as much as i am and he's got the same amt of explaining to do.

i find myself getting angry at both him and my dad and i'm wondering if its a guy thing. am i gonna turn against all the guys in the world and feel envious of those who have wonderful partners? i certainly hope not.. and i tink i need God to change my heart.

i'm in the furnace now.. and i tink i'm being made a salty christian once more. and i tink that requires me to be me.. skin, bones, mind and spirit.. ALL of me. not the facade.. not the shadow.. not the one that ought to be there.. ALL. ME. no more pretenses.. if i feel sad, i'll be sad.. and if i'm happy.. i'll be happy.. and i know that God will be in charge of the process cuz i'm putting Him in charge.. right God? thank you for being there for me. i almost cried on the bus and you know it.. you know the anger i feel deep down.. and i pray that you remove it. i don't want to be bitter or unforgiving. i forgive him and i forgive papa.. Lord help me deal with the anger and the issues. but don't let me become numb to the pain.. help me to feel it but be in charge of the process.. and heal me. make me whole. i want to be whole. not perfect.. but whole.. and be the girl you made me to be. i praise you and thank you for this entire process cuz you've chosen me for it.. and you're revealing and doing something new in my life even tho i don't see it now. you're working in the wings. and i wanna keep trusting in you because you are God..

because you are God.. wow.. i never knew that it could be that way now.. but yeah.. i guess i'm going a lil bit more deeper with him.. and yep.. i'm glad for that..

it still hurts tho.. and it stinks being hurt..

sigh...