God really answers prayer

I was jus washing the fork i used for breakfast and i realised something. thru and thru i've been asking God to give me that strength to face up to reality, shld it be that we're not meant to be together, and also that we have to wait for His timing. And to be able to carry on and function thru school etc etc.. and i realize that He really has! not to say i'm not saddened by this but i'm really glad on the inside that this is happening. so yeah.. =)

Lord, help me to keep walking in faith in this and in all the other areas of my life. I know You're doing a work in me.. and i jus want to see it keep going.. be my Lord...

I love You..

jus an extra comment

haha ohh.. i jus think of it as an ego boost..he also said that he was attracted to me cuz of my character! hahaha and honestly when he was saying that he's re-thinking now what attracted him to me, i was quite nervous.. hahah as in.. i didn't want him to say.. "now i don't know" which is BAD.. tho i have a feeling that he has needs and well.. i jus pray that God will deal with that area in his life..

phew.. boy am i glad I have a God whom i can turn to! how do pp go on without a God?

God loves me SOOOOO much!

he's not ready

yep.. tt's wad he called me to tell me about jus now.. and honestly when he told me.. i wasn't sad.. in fact i'm really just relieved that he told me that. i mean.. i'd rather an honest answer abt his own situation/condition than he string me along.. and i guess this might sound rather conspiracy-like.. but...

i was hoping that he'd come to that realization.

and i guess it was cuz that i knew deep in my heart that this relationship is gonna take a while.. as in.. it wasn't going to be an immediate i like u-u like me- let's get together kinda thing. and i didn't tell him this, tho i almost did.. but i feel like pride is something that he had to get right in his heart first. i'm glad that reading the book "boy meets girl" really opened his eyes to his own spiritual condition, not saying that mine is perfect, but that it really made him think abt where he was with God.

somehow, last nite when we had the talk abt us being friends and making that effort to keep it that way by setting boundaries that would protect us, i had in my heart a peace that assured me of God's faithfulness in this situation. i mean.. i really don't know how this will turn out.. if we do get together, den yes.. of cuz i'll be happy but if we don't.. somehow i know that God has a better plan in store for both of us. i have faith that it will turn out for His best for us. and the word has been affirming that in my heart as i sat down today to read it. Isaiah 49. that chapter really speaks of God's faithfulness and abt Him not forgetting abt His people.

in fact this issue that his walk wif God was still in the works (since he jus got back wif Him) was one of the first issues i confronted him with.. and in wisdom, my jie also pointed it out.. so yeah.. things are really pointed in the same direction and i can only say that this is God speaking directly to this situation. and i told him jus now also that i'm prepared to be met with, after the 4 months that we've set, to wait longer than that. that i jus want to be open to where God's gonna go with this.. that i'm not limiting Him to my options cuz tt's jus wrong.. hahaha.. like macam i present my requests/qns to Him and i take my own answer.. wad's tt suppose to mean!? hahah

he sounded quite down.. cuz i guess he really found this hard to relate to me.. but i'm honestly alright.. so i hope that my laughter and cheerfulness didn't make him feel worse than he alr is but cheered him up.. cuz i really dun wan this to be a pt of worry for him. thinking that this is a bad decision cuz it really is in God's plan.

i also said that i tink i know why i'm alright this time.. cuz i did all the emotional wrecking i needed to do waaaaay back then.. when i was all depressed and sad abt it being a wait and a sort of 'no'. in fact now that i think abt it.. the fact that i heard a 'no' back then.. did that mean he wasn't e one? hmm.. actually i dun tink so eh.. it was prob a 'no... now is not the time' thing..

but anyways i really want this 4 months to go by wif me examining my heart attitude to this relationship also la. that it really isn't out of desperation for someone to be there for me, to love me and hold me.. cuz that void shld really be filled by God.. its a good time to see if this feeling that i have towards him is one that is genuine, that can be carried out thru the yrs, thru my life on this earth and that it isn't one of familiarity.. yep! cuz otherwise it really is totally selfish of me la.. and i'm jus so thankful that we're both in God's loving hands regarding this situation.. and in fact in every area of our lives. i'm really glad that things are turning out this way.. =) cuz yes.. its hard.. its def easier to take the smoother road.. the wider gate.. but its only when we walk thru the highroads and the narrow gate where we'll find that Life that will sustain us.

so yeah.. like i was explaining to cheryl and to him and many others arn me.. that i really want to do this God's way.. i wan this to be a testimony to the pp arn me that it is possible to have things done right cuz we're obedient and cuz we've heard God's say in this. yup yup!

it makes me feel so good to know that i'm doing His will by waiting for now.. and i'm jus excited abt what the future holds.. cuz its really gonna be good! =)

a new calling/direction for this season

alright! the past two services i've been to has been speaking the same thing into my heart and i jus wanna write it down here. and that is to reach out to my inheritance.. to the pp that have been placed arn me. and the best part is.. i really do wanna do that! =)

for sat service pastor preached abt how the spirit of the Lord is upon us and how it empowers us to be witnesses to the pp arn us.. and today's one was on the great commission. so yeah.. its quite a clear thing to me now..

i mean.. its really easy to gloss over things like the great commission and like oh yeah.. its talking abt me but i dun really care. but today and actually for a while it hit me that hey.. when i'm sharing the gospel and the hope that Jesus has brought into my life.. i'm bringing life into their lives too! and its like finding the cure for cancer and jus sharing it arn.

isn't it amazing jus how ashamed or embarrassed we can get when we're sharing the gospel but how we get so bold and blatant when it comes to sharing crude jokes and all tt?

oh man.. ir eally wanna live my life for Jesus.. to shine for Him in the darkness and not be overcomed but circumstances. so here's committing my life to Him again for His glory and for the extention of His kingdom. pp really need to hear the word of God and they deserve to know the Truth that can set em free! the love that can fill the void in their hearts... tt's wad pp need in the world today.. a Love that's so overwhelmingly power that it takes over all their situations and washes away all the hurt in the world.

that's jus WOW..

that's jus Jesus! =)

love You Lord! in all that i do.. i wanna do it for You!

words of advice

alright.. so i've told gary abt what's going on wif me n qx/josh. gosh.. ir eally have to start naming him properly... pp are getting confused.. but den again.. hmm.. this IS for me to see only rite? and God knows every single thing anyways..

and his advice, anyway, is that.. we really need to set boundaries.. and that we shldn't rush into things. cuz yeah.. he has no doubt that josh is a nice guy and in fact most pp are nice.. but we gotta be practical esp since josh might be flying off to do his studies. and gary jus cautioned me abt the fact that we haven't seen each other for a long time la.. so yeah.. to take things slowly. plus i haven't started working yet.. and well.. there's still a lot more for me to see la.

gary also talked abt having faith in God's plan.. having confidence that wht shld come to pass WILL come to past. and i thot that was good la.. =) cuz its true lo.. leaving God out of the equation jus makes it a "normal" relationship that's based on nothing.. i mean.. i'd really liek my relationship wif whoever to be one that honours God and that makes an exemplary example. yep..

best part abt gary talking abt this is also that he let me know the realities of dating la.. that it realy is close to impossible to maintain a platonic frenship without some passions being stirred up. and yeah.. i plan to talk to gary more on this.. like wad defines a relationship? how do we keep within frenship boundaries? and altho i've talked this thru wif dawn (cuz she's going thru somethign like this) i feel like.. well.. i'm jus as clueless la.. and i wan to see God's stand in this.

honestly i'm feeling like i'm halfway in a relationship alr.. jus minus e physical intimacy..which i dun mind at all la.. tt i will wait for the right time and God's green light. but is this right? shld i be doing this at all? sometimes i get uncomfortable when josh goes on abt US and the FUTURE.. and i'm thinking.. well.. are we jus taking matters into our own hands? well.. i'm jus hoping that God will speak to josh abt things.. and tt even if its a hard decision to make.. that josh would hv tt strength to come speak to me abt it.. cuz if not.. it will come from me.

i guess i need to draw on God's strength a whole lot more.. and yeah.. like wad gary said.. it really is a process.. a question "is he the one" that will keep coming back for as long as u're not married and hopefully till den my heart would've really confirmed tt deep down inside.

i'm really feeling blessed abt this now.. that i have such a great guy wif me.. someone who i can trust.. and whom i'm really proud of in terms of character. only thing is.. i tink now is the time when we really need to guard our hearts all e more.. cuz despite josh saying that this 4 months will be a time when stuff will get resolved.. i tink its gonna be a time of testing and moulding too.. like to really burnt away the finery to see the stuff tt's within. to know if this direction is e way to go or not.. and i pray that God will reveal that to us as we proceed on...

Lord.. i'm giving this to u right now.. and i ask that You take this in Your loving hands and make something out of it.. i'm confused.. but i know that You know all tt's gonna happen and i just ask that it is Ur will that stands and not my own desires.. if we're meant to be together.. i know that You'll put us both there at the right time.. =) in Jesus name i pray this.. Amen..

a date on sunday?

ha.. guess this is kinda bad. this blog was supposed to contain all my spiritual insights and all tt but somehow its really turned into a private blog where i can blah all my frustrations and excitement in one post and not worry abt pp i know reading it.

not that i'm ashamed of my life.. but i guess this is better cuz i tend to blah things out when i'm still thinking thru and not myself and plus i wouldn't wan to burden em with my personal life in a way. guess i'm still a rather private person. heh heh! i only hope that it isn't PRIDE that's keeping me from being open and transparent abt things.

oh Lord, keep me humble in You that i'll always be honest and open with You and the leaders that u've put in my life to watch over me and guard/guide me. thank You Jesus.. i wanna keep that open communication with You. In Ur name i pray..

well well well.. i was commenting on wed that i couldn't wait for the weekend to come.. and well.. obviously my frens have no idea abt wad's going on in my head except for erjie.. somehow.. and chris commented that i must've no kind of proj meeting during the hols hence e optimism in my statement. but actually its cuz i'll be meeting him this sun and we're jus gonna kinda celebrate vday? i dunno.. he wants to celebrate it somehow. hahaha he's like set aside e entire sunday for me la.. basically.. and of cuz i'm excited la! hahah but now when i tink abt it.. actually.. my life feels kinda full.. and i'm honestly not thinking abt it very much.. much less be excited over it. heh!

thinking abt this thign tho.. i'm actually wondering if we're taking things too far? as in.. i'm aware abt starting a relationship way before it actually becomes official. its like.. from what we're doing now - smsing regularly and talking on the phone too - it feels like we're really getting serious with each other and our lives. how do we draw the line at jus getting to knwo a person better as a friend and being in a relationship? surely there is that difference. now the thign is... are we making that difference? i guess for him, its kinda easy..but for me, i've always been one to draw the line really clearly so that i make sure i dun cross over it if i'm not supposed to.

so shld i draw the line clearly? am i sinning? am i actually engaging in a mental relationship even tho we've both told God and agreed that we won't get into anything till 4mths later? hmm.. i tink its time i guard my heart... =)

i'm really glad that my sister asked me last nite abt our 'date' this sunday. cuz it really put this into perspective la. and of cuz it did bring abt the value of accountability. like if i know i'm doing somethign right.. then i shld be able to speak it out and speak it loud. i guess if i'm ashamed/embarrassed to reveal something like this.. its prob an indication that i'm not going in the right direction.

Lord.. i really wanna do this Ur way.. i dun wanna screw up things jus cuz i like it or i feel good. no! i wan it Ur way.. and only Ur way. speak to josh abt this.. and i'm praying that he will take the lead in this. cuz i dun wan both of us to get lulled into a false sense of security that the devil can use against us. Lord.. i want to live for U and for Ur glory! help me Jesus! in Ur name i pray..

yep yep..

he hasn't replied to my sms.. prob busy.. or maybe e sms didn't get thru.. but.. honestly.. i dun mind.. i tink a lil distance might do us good.. otherwise we'd prob jus be acting out of passion and only passion.. heh!

gonna hv child lang meeting like nwo.. but i still haven't done the readings.. argh! help!

but den.. at least.. tmr's e beginning of the weekend.. ling's gonna come over for discipling.. so yeap.. praying that it'll be a fruitful time.. -beams-

a resolution

phew! i'm so glad at how things have worked out between me and him. and i know that we've both taken the right step for now cuz we've both got that kinda peace(for me) and joy(for him). its jus amazing how we came to the conclusion and i know that its something that God really wanted for both of us.

the best part is... i'm jus so excited with what's gonna happen. what's to come! its like now that i know i'm in God's plan and i know how good His plans are gonna be for me, i can't wait to see what good He's gonna do!

guess tt's how its like when u're walking in God's ways.. tho i'll admit.. it was super hard getting to yesterday.

i went thru an entire flurry of emotions man.. from rebellion to sadness to happiness.. everything! and it was confusing.. to hear my heart say something (yesyesyesyesyesyes!) and to know that something in me(i think it was the Holy Spirit) is saying no... wait...

obedience is better than sacrifice

many are the plans of a man's heart... but its the Lord's that will prevail.

but i tink my testimony throughout all that has happened.. is that God loves me. and its a love that an everlasting one. on sat as i was standing there worshipping, i jus felt like i was so secure and safe in God's arms.. like eveyrthing was gonna be alright and that thru all this He was right there beside me. and on sun, i jus confessed eveyrthing to God la.. like 'i know i've disappoint You.. and I'm sorry" and the strongest thing i got then was.. Love.. I Love You. and i mean tt's jus WOW!

all in all i tink this entired thot process has really revealed my true condition - how i tink abt God and how i live my life as a Christian. and i've gotta say that this is really making me re-think how i look at things again.

i felt God challenging me to go to newer heights, deeper waters with Him. i've been too stagnant i guess in my walk with Him. always relying on the old thing, the past, the familiar. its time to venture into new ground with Him and know that He's holding my hand.

wisdom... that was something that's been prayed over me quite a bit.. and thank God.. i'm choosing to listen to it now. indeed, wisdom might sow hard but its yield is always the best.

to be or not to be

yep.. that is the question. and to be honest.. i haven't really sat down n asked God really what His answer would be. i guess i'm escaping from what i expect to be bad news? i dunno. am i running away from God? is that why i'm not talking to Him? if i'm not talking to Him, then, can I be in a relationship? will i neglect Him cuz i'm with josh?

josh has asked me to ask God tho, whether i'm for him and he for me. but like wad i told jie today, i dun tink anyone will ever know who's for who until its much later.. and i mean.. to ask me to ask God now..and for God to reply that right now.. is jus absurd. i mean.. i'm NOT even ready for marraige tho yes.. i do wan this relationship to be serious, as in, steer towards marriage. but not marriage per se.

thing is.. i feel like i'm ready. and i know that this relationship probably wouldn't derail me. in fact if i have this settled, i tink i might jus be ready to put in my all for God, not that i'm not trying to do that now. and i feel like this is really the guy i want to be with. in all aspects, as i've checked out, he's really ready and stable enough for me to see into the future wif him. tho yes, the problem of us meeting up now and being in different churches might be quite a troublesome issue. but honestly, for me now, i'm intending for this to proceed at a slower rate. like.. yes.. we'll get together.. but no hurry to rush into marriage.. jus get to know each other and see if we can functino as a couple, whether there is that partnership together.

but yet, i'm wondering if i'm using my head too much and none of my faith. somehow i always get struck by the phrase "obey" and "obedience, not sacrifice". the thing is... does this mean a no from God? am i letting josh become an idol in my life again jus cuz i choose to be in love wth him too?

hearing his voice really makes me feel so happy lo.. and i know that when i'm with him, i'm guarded, protected and i know i'll learn and grow cuz of that. wow.. now this is sounding like my relationship wif God.. or rather, how it shld be. heh heh..

so hmm.. if this is such a great guy, why do i keep thinking that God will say no? has He said no before? or was it jus me? am i jus being dense adn choosing not to listen to Him? will i jus jeopardize this entire relationsihp cuz i'm entering into it wrongly? and of cuz.. it doesn't help(not in such a bad light of cuz) that josh is really wntingto do this right. not that i dun want to.. but for me, i'm jus on edge la.. like.. can't we jus get together? and again.. i dunno if its jus me being excited cuz i haven't been attached for such a long time. tho i know that usin gmy head, this is one guy that i'm proud of and whom i can stand by..

i tink maybe i really need to spend time wif God and seek His answer.. yes.. i shall do that..