him again

my goodness.. i tink i'm jus falling head over heels in love/like/lust!! ARGH!

today in the cab i was like sitting so super close to him lo.. and i placed my hands on him thighs.. and aiyah.. i jus wanted to do that.. i mean.. i would've jus stroked it if not for hte fact that we're not together .. and i'm really not sure if he likes me still... i know this time that i DO like him..

what if he thinks i'm jus plain disgusting? like some ugly fat pig that's nuzzling up to him.. NOOOO.. what if he thinks i'm bugging him? irritating? pushing my luck too far? what if i'm not the gal he once knew? what if he liked the old me ONLY? i know i've definitely changed.. oh maan.. so many questions.. so many things i want answered...

and he's not giving me any answers!!! argh! i can only guess and pick up hints.. has he changed? is he still the straight forward guy i know he is? is he still the person i went out with long time ago? tho admittedly.. he has changed.. heh.. tho does he still like me in that way?

thing is.. does God want me in this relationship? i feel too lazy to go thru the spiel that's in my head.. whichi s sad.. cuz i tink i really need to read thru my thots to be able to see things clearly.. but yet.. i'm jsu.. hmm.. i jus wanna hv things in the open.. but yet.. i'm afraid of knowing the truth.. its like..i jus wanna be with him.. and tt's all i know.. but will God break us up?

hmm.. actually God can never break pp apart.. its only if their hearts are turned towards him.. and actually e extent of how much they listen to him.. am i someone like that? do i actually care what God thinks? or do i jus want His favour? maybe dating isn't such a stigma.. i dunno why i keep seeing it as being sometihng that will keep me from him? am i such a person? will i be able to focus on God still? will this relationship bring me closer to him?

but yet.. i feel like i'm at this pt where i'm really moving out in my ministry.. well.. God's ministry.. and i dunno.. if i were to get into something wif him.. i'd really jus hv no time.. but thing is.. den when? i know for sure that he'll ask me to do the right thing..i hv confidence in that.. cuz tt's jus him.. disciplined.. but WAIT A MINUTE

how am i so sure that i AM gonna be in a relationship with him?

hmm..

and what makes me so sure that he wants to be in one with me? what if he's jus putting everything on for the sake of being nice.. or fr the fact that we used to be ex-es? hmm..

do pp put as much thot into their dating lives as i do? shld i do that? what's the right way abt this?

how come pp seem to get together so easily while i jus struggle and struggle.. do i hv a warped perception of relationships?

am i being too bold for my own good? am i jus moving in my own way? ARGH! Jesus!!! i need help!! pls let me never be too ashamed to come to u and seek u in all i do.. cuz u're my life!