Saturday - the Calling?

Okaaay... so my 'first' post didn't work out.. as in.. the internet jus choked up and my nice diary-esque entry got wiped out. never mind.. no biggie.. i could do this again. [hmmm.. feeling a tad hungry now... wonder why. considering that i just ate breakfast a mere 2 hrs ago.. its a lil early to be feeling hungry eh?]

Anyways... this entry is abt what happened on Saturday. and even now... i'm hardly sure if i heard right or whether it was just me. i'm in a state of being certain and yet uncertain. its a terribly odd feeling if you ask me. not that its disrupting my rhythm of life... but its jus .. hmm.. odd.

But this being my first entry, i should give some background ya? in case i get amnesia someday or just forget it totally when i'm off track. i always prepare for such circumstances, which explains why most of the things taht are precious to me always have my full name and the full name of the person that bought it for me.. inclusive of the date and occasion. i always keep my old organizers too, cuz they simply reflect that bit of me in the day to day living of my life back then. never fails to bring back memories.. good and bad.. tho when i look back now... they seem to be mostly good. edwin says i'm jus in my lil world and i'll admit, that got me thinking quite a bit as to whether i was really living in this world or if i were jus off on my own while the rest of the world is suffering. guess this is what they call the grace of God, when you're in the world but not of the world. and reading eugene's recent post earlier, it confirms my thots that 'hey, don't pp want to be happy?' edwin seems to be one of the few pp in this world, or rather in my world, that don't seem to hv that desire to look on the brigth side or aim for happier things. hmm... but thinking back, actually he does... more so than anybody else.. but guess he's just been hurt and deceived too many times. poor guy...

Gosh... i've really digressed... ah well.. my journal.. my thots.. wonder if i'll neglect my other one now that i hv this private one. heh!

But point of this post is concerning my future... my calling i guess...

U see, like a few yrs back i did this test that evaluated my spiritual strengths as a Christian. like whether i was suited to be an evangelist, prophet, pastor, admin, etc etc.. oh alright.. i only remember these few. I tink i did it when i was hmm.. in sec 4? possibly after my o levels since i recall that i was already President of the Student Council back then already. well, doing the test, it might've been skewed by my inflated ego, u'll never know... i saw that pastoral care was top on my list. i'll admit, i was kinda shocked but also a lil disappointed tho.. cuz i'd jus read this present darkenss and i tink i wanted to be a prophet or an evangelist or something.. i can't remember the details but yeah.. that was it. i remember telling my sis abt the results and she went 'wow... maybe u're meant to be a pastor'. so that started me thinking.. but not as much as now.. probably cuz i had other things to worry abt.. like A levels and getting into the 'right' JC.

a few yrs on, which leads up to now, i guess maybe my thots have been more concentrated on life as a package. like... not as just stopping on the edges of school but as something extending beyond that. maybe its the coming of age as i ponder abt what my future will be. guess as the yrs have gone by.. i've really gotten more serious wif God tho i'll admit that there's sitll alot of work more to be done in my life... prob will be finished when i get to heaven.. heh!

last sem.. i remember farah telling me that i'm prob gonna be a pastor.. as in.. she sees me doing that.. and pan has told me that she really doesn't see me working in a normal office job.. like doing admin or something. not deskbound at least. rather, i'm prob gonna be someone that travels arn and does social projects. and i tink.. wow.. tt's really wad i wanna do.. but den again.. i'm wondering if i'm jus thinking that i wanna do it cuz of whad pp say or is it that i am really so.. cuz afterall.. pp can tell what u're gonna do by the way u carry urself. but .. maybe .. what if.. its jus one big cycle?

honestly speaking... i don't see myself at a deskbound job as well. maybe that's why journalism draws me so much. its because i'll always be on the move, chasing stories and i love writing, so that suits me great! but jus now as i was reading the papers... i suddenly felt like journalism might not really be the thing for me. i can't explain why... maybe its e module i took, but den again.. well.. i dunno... i suddenly feel like i jus wanna go on missions and do an anthropological study on the pp there.. like u know.. make myself useful by recce-ing the place before pp set foot.. run language courses.. etc etc..

on sat.. i was jus worshiping and den i suddenly got the feeling that yeah.. i really am gonna be a pastor some day. and tt jus made me cry.. like.. woaaah! so i really dunno what's going on.. am i or am i not? is it now? or is it later when i'm old and wrinkly? am i gonna do this in singapore or somewhere else?

but one thing i know for sure.. is that i'm gonna fight for this generation. its not gonna die without a fight!!

long post.. with an abrupt end cuz i'm on msn now.. haa.. anyway.. more later! that's e best thing abt wireless.. i can go into my room and type or something.. its gonna be jus like a diary! whee!

signing off!