munching on cookies - electricity!

here i am.. munching on this new biscuit that i found in the drawer.. oh boy.. i'm turning into a nibbler recently.. but interestingly.. i'm lighter than when i actually try to eat less.. maybe its true. when u eat lesser.. ur body thinks its starving and jus starts storing up more fat that shld be lost with exercise. but tonite.. i just got reminded that my body was created by the perfect God who said it was jus exactly the way it wanted. and i'm not complaining! =)

tonite was electric. God was in the place! ps Miguel made us take some personal time with God as our Father and when i found out that it was the topic of the night as me and li sha entered in, i was jus blown away. to think i'd jus been thinking abt God and abt 'Father' !! wow.. God is really really hearing me and answering my every question. He really CAN take it!

on sunday nite(i think i haven't blogged this yet) ps miguel gave me a very fatherly hug and it jus made me go all teary eyed when i felt that kind of fatherliness and warmth in the hug, something that i haven't felt in my dad all these yrs.. or maybe months.. i dunno.. its jus been so long. and today i read the Bible and i admitted to God that i was rather disturbed by the violence and anger in the scenes/situations depicted and i jus asked God like.. who was He exactly? why is it that He's so loving and yet.. i feel this way towards Him? How do I know Him? and then i think i jus heard the Holy Spirit speak.. or maybe it was my heart speaking.. that God is a Father....

and voila! that was wad was preached tonite! i'm jus so so so amazed as the tremendous love my Father has for me. and i really got that assurance that He isn't a Father tt will loose His anger on me indiscriminately. and this is where it gets really really interesting. at first when ps miguel made us all talk to God as a child would to a Father. i'll admit.. i was rather comfy and mybe even skeptical/complacent abt it. like i thot i was ministered enough, that i didn't need to get all weepy and i wasn't even sure i would. and for a moment there i was wondering if i'd be the last person there to cry or something. i can't really describe the moment there and then.. but i jus felt like 'oh no... am i gonna get ministered or not?' and so there i was.. dry-eyed and comfortable.. jus talking to God. but then i remembered what ps miguel told us to do. He told us to be really frank with God. and since we were on the topic of parents, i knew that my relationship with my dad was really not on track. its like.. i don't even want him to touch me anymore without me feeling really uncomfortable and irritated. i won't even let him kiss me or hug me like the way he used to. and these has been going on for quite a bit.. i remember talking to my mum and sis abt it recently only.

so i spill this to God and for a moment there.. i'm clueless abt the entire relationship. its like i suddenly lose my words and i don't even know where to begin, or how to pray? and i jus felt speechless. all i could tell God was... ' i dunno.. there's just a barrier... something that's stopping me from being close to my dad' i tried to think back on the times and trace the source of this distance.. but nothing came to mind. it was only when i felt a hand on my head, jus stroking my head gently.. in a loving way.. (it was one of the female youth ministers i think) that i jus started breaking down.

i started sobbing uncontrollably and at that moment, it was suddenly all revealed to me. that i'd been desiring that touch of love so so much when i was younger, even as recently as 2 yrs ago.. and i had gone to my dad for it. but it jus got destroyed by that one time when my dad took it out on me when i'd frustrated him. it was during my jc days that i somehow got into an argument with him and started crying. my dad jus kept telling me to stop cuz if my mum got back den he would get in trouble. and i couldn't.. so i ran into my room on my mum's bed and jus cried and tried to stifle my cries. but he followed me into the room and he hit the space beside my head on the pillow and tried to get me to stop some more. but i couldn't. it was jus too overwhelming. and then he smacked me.. i tink.. on my butt/thigh. so i jus tried to stifle what i could and stop my tears from coming down.

he apologised for that moment. and i tink it was cuz he was having one of his bad days. but.. i guess it stayed with me. and the Holy Spirit revealed to me today that this was why i've been keeping my distance with my dad since then. it was only today that i realized how much i needed to let it go.. forgive my dad and learn to trust my heavenly Daddy and know that He wouldn't do that to me. i realized also today that i'm prob not developing my relationship with my dad because i'm refusing to. because i'm jus not taking the effort to reach him. and on sat.. this other thing was revealed to me too.. that i could be the holding pt in this family.. the one whose actions would make the difference in whether this family stays tog or apart. and i tink God wants to use me as a vessel in this family, somehow...everything's still in His power tho..

tonite.. after the personal session we had with God... all the youth got together in their regions to pray.. and now i feel more fiercely so that the youth need to be united and re-integrated as one whole in order for us to trample on the kingdom of darkness. i'm jus so motivated to keep on leading the youth in this manner and jus now before i left sara came up and hugged me. it was so unexpected.. to think i wanted to give her that hug during the ministry time. God must've known that.. and it was so to encouraging to know that it was her way of saying a thank you to me.. for sticking by her all these times. n i'm intending to continue doing this work of reintegration and unification in the youth. to reach out to those in need of frenship and a kind word. to be an encourager to the down-trodden.. to keep believing in those who have given up on themselves and think that the world has turned its back on them. yes.. this is what i want to do all my life. this is my ministry to the body.

felt so unwilling to leave the youth.. since they were all begging me to stay behind and hang out with them with macs.. but i had to go.. cuz i didn't wan my parents to worry abt me coming back so late. plus li sha wanted to catch the shuttle bus.. which we didn't manage to.. so we cabbed back. ha.. $$$ flowing out.. heh.. nvm.. God will provide.. somehow.. He is the Father! 2 Corinthian 6:18 i think... shall check it out someday and put the verse here.. its jus so so apt for my situation right now..

jus feel so in love with my heavenly Daddy right now.. its like i reached that secret place jus now.. and i knew that i was safe.. and i will always... be safe.. in His loving arms.. -hugs Him-