going another level up?

ooh.. kaaay.. went for care group last nite.. well actually it was more of a leader's meeting la.. and yeah.. we had some discussion abt the plans for the youth ministry. and it was kinda sad (was thinking abt this on the way there in fact) but me and est noticed how few of us there was and how its been that way for the longest time. methinks its time to get pp coming.. and i know we've all really gotta help gary on this cuz its jus gonna be too much for him to do it by himself.

anyways.. gary kinda asked me to do sharing for this friday's youth net rally and woah! i was jus kinda stunned by it. i mean.. i can rise up to the challenge.. but to have it come jus when i'm over this issue that i had with God a few days back and wow.. i'm jus wondering why God's giving me this 'assignment' when i'm still learning and mastering it? perhaps that's jus how God works? tt He moves while u're learning so that greater things can happen, more than when things have alr been fixed and acclimatised? somehow that kinda brings rigidity. come to think about it.. most of the prophets were pp who were constantly broken and learning new stuff.. well alrite.. actually now only moses comes to mind cuz of his inability to speak to the pp but God still sent Him anyway. i guess taking on such 'assignments' while u're learning the skills involved and while u're changing gives God all the more room to move and minister and say that it really is His hand that has brought abt ministry and healing. so that no man can boast of his own ability but by God's miraculous workings alone.

hey.. i'm cool with that.. =) i'm soooo glad for that in fact. i mean.. i was praying that the words i speak will really be from Him and none of me. really want this msg that i'm gonna be sharing to reach the hearts of those listening.

what was really cool was that last nite as the other leaders and gary prayed for me, was that i could jus feel this sensation going on in my chest and throat area.. kinda like a warm flow going down. something that's jus there but not exactly tangible like eating.. perhaps more like the feeling that warm soup gives you when it runs down? but yeah.. and at that moment i jus knew that God was giving me His words and imparting something into me.. and that made me feel so good on the inside.. like hey! God's on my side! and i know that when i seek Him for His word, He's gonna deliver the goods. and woah.. this feels like i'm preparing for some sermon. i was considering this morning, fasting before the nite cuz i really wanna be spiritually sharp for this sharing.

and i tink God dropped something into my heart as i was praying abt it on the way back.. it was jsu before i crossed the road to the park that i had to cut thru for my bus.. the 21 bus stop there.. and it was like.. suddenly the second new commandment came to my mind.. "love your neighbour as yourself". woah! i have no idea how that came.. and it could be from reading caitlin.. but i guess tt jus hit me.. as i was thinking of the theme of fellowship. and this morning i jus scribbled down some stuff that came to my mind on that topic. yeah.. so i'm praying that it really is from God and that He'll help me organize my thots coherently so that i won't be dealing with too wide a topic but yet also be one that will be applicable to all areas of their life.

was praying also on the way back on the bus.. as i was reflecting on how i handled my projects and papers. i mean.. i'll go thru a certain thot process adn make sure its really tight and coherent. so i was wondering.. wad makes this sharing any different? in fact, i tink i should make all my sharings as fluid and coherent as possible. and i couldn't help but think that i'm in uni to learn these skills so that i can apply em in this area lo.. like learning abt thesis and motive and all tt.. writing good papers.. isn't that what teachers/pastors do when they share and teach and make powerpoints? and i'm also beginning to think that apologetics might be my thing.. that i really wan Christianity to be able to have an intellectual stand to it. as in.. that it will be understood by those who challenge its authenticity and the realness of God. cuz i tink that nowadays pp dun jus want the Truth truth.. but they want to know that what they know is Truth. and i wan to be able to provide that.. to bring the gospel form a intellectual perspective that its really makes sense.. but of course, without negating the Faith that shld come with it. cannot logicise it so mucht hat it becomes religion and a philosophy. must have the godliness and holiness and NOT deny its power! yep yep..

last nite i was so surprised to hear from amos also that i have the tag "i am a youth minister" written on my forehead. hahha that sweet dude.. i thot that was a very nice compliment.. and wad's more he actually went like "we will follow you!!" honestly i'm really flattered but shocked at the same time. i mean.. woah.. i've kinda taken my head off those thots on what rank i'll be given and i wanna keep taking my mind of those thots.. cuz serving God throu ministry is not abt rank at all.. in fact.. its abt getting as close to the ground as you can get with Him.. i need God to guard my heart against all pride.. cuz it really isn't for my own glory .. but for His glory and that alone!

sometimes tho.. i have this weeeeird feeling that i'm gonna be put in some kinda big big position like asst ym or yc or something like that.. and i wanna say that yes.. on one hand i'm happy that people trust me that much and it really gives me a platform to effect change.. but on the other hand.. i'm wondering if i can handle it.. spiritually.. and of cuz balance it with school. i mean.. having such things come with it a lot of responsibility and i'm not sure i'm ready to handle that. guess gary knows it too.. cuz he mentioned e other time that he wanted to make me a yc (tho that memory is really distant rite now) but till now its pretty much all quiet on that issue. so phew! -wipes sweat of head- i'd v much rather take an informal position on this cuz i guess.. being in those positions require you to go for meetings and stuff.. and i tink i've got alot of those oging for me alr.. heh... ar well...

i'm jus glad that i can blah wadever i want on this blog and not feel like i'm judged or required to censor my words.. and wadever goes into this is from my heart. =) yep yep.. and oh.. surprisingly.. i'm not missing him as much. which is good.. i need to focus and concentrate on what is at hand ba.. and i'm jus glad that he's growing too.. and i realize that he's quite a tender-heart.. as in.. he gets touched by the Lord very easily and he's really passionate. tho i really have to see how he's like upfront.. on the phone.. things are v different. take me for eg.. i can be chirpy on the phone and sms even tho i might be really bummed abt something. but actually, most of the time i really am happy cuz somehow once i start talking to pp.. my happy engine jus starts running.. heh heh! and i'm truly happy and perky as how pp see me as. heh heh!

alritey.. time to start on my elang studying.. =) major!!