curry for me

alrite.. the previous post was abt my spiritual condition and honestly.. i think they're all related.. cuz i realize that when i'm preoccupied with God.. i jus forget abt josh. is this the way things shld be? i'm once again aware of my inadequacy abt relationships when i think abt such things.. i really need God to open my eyes and ears and heart regardign such things. i'm not self-sufficient.. i need Him. and of cuz.. that other wise pp that have been placed in my life as points of authority.

but i really thank God for Josh.. he's been such a support and such a friend to me. and an awesome blessing! i jus wanna bless him back.. but i dunno how. i tink his love language is in gift giving but he never accepts stuff i wanna buy for him. ar well.. one day.

anyways.. yeah.. last nite he heard me blah out whatever i blahed out in the previous post.. and i was jus thinking in the bathroom this morning.. how come i'm telling him and not my sis.. i usually tell my sis such things. hmmm.. am i shifting away? and making my emotional support? i hope not.. cuz i didn't really have that intent and i really wanna guard myself from that kind intent and dependency.. at least not till the time is ripe. -- according to my sis.

it was good tho.. and i guess its healthy that such issues get aired and i guess he also shared quite a bit with me.. and hmm.. guess we're like accountability partners.. tho that really isn't the right term. jus read caitlin jus now..and she does/did it with josh too.. as in.. they email each other regarding their own spiritual conditions and struggles and hmm.. i'm wondering if it alright den? like what i said at the top.. i'm totally clueless abt this. on one hand.. its good to be there to encourage each other and bless each other with our testimony but on the other hand.. could we be opening ourselves up for more intimacy than we are ready for? i mean.. i dun mind if he was already my boyfriend and all that.. cuz i would want to be able to share such things openly with him. but now at this stage.. it doesn't seem as appropriate.

and i'm wondering as well now.. where we stand. ytd we met up and he passed me some curry that he made for lunch. and we were with my net. i've insisted that he was a fren.. and i know that they're mature enough to understand that we were really frens.. but i'm jus wondering.. am i being a hypocrite by proclaiming that we're friends when we actually are slightly more than that? and i dun really know where we stand actually.. after ytd.. i mean.. its jus tough maintaining a totally platonic frenship esp with the activities that we're taking part in tog. but how do we get to know each other better if we don't go out? am i dating ? i guess i am.. but do i have to be attached to the person i'm dating? or can i still call him a friend? cuz when someone is labelled a fren.. a set of expectations is to be followed.. anything out of that imm jumps into the next category.. which would possibly be boyfriend. isn't there an in-between?

i know i definitely am atracted to him.. and its really cuz of his character.. but i need time to tell for sure whether this is jus a passing feeling or something that can carry on. cuz i remember how during the easter thing thta i didn't feel the need to contact him.. tho when he sms-ed encouragements it was really nice.. but then encouragement felt good all round.. from anybody that cared. guess i really need to know within myself that i'm not gonna be in a relationshp because i feel lonely or desperate or my biological clock ticking but because... well.. i dun really know the reason for being in a relationship. does there have to be a reason? i mean.. i know that God didn't want us to be without fellowship and He created Eve for Adam. and how do we know when and why we want to be in a relationship? hmmm.. but yet having a reason gives a certain kind of purpose and solidity to the relatinoship. like i'd like my relationship to be one that is a partnership.. fulfilling the great commission for God!! tt'll be the best! =) but if that's e case.. den i dun need to be in one romantically cuz i can do it with my net -beams- but i guess God knows our needs cuz He put those needs in.. the need to be loved and to be blessed in a special way. yeah! maybe tt's the reason for having relationships. cuz being in one attaches u in a stronger way to someone else other than family and fren.. its like a hybrid of both!

hmm.. wow.. i didn't expect to be doing so much thinking on a monday afternoon after lunch. .but that's what my brain in coming up with.. and i tink the Holy Spirit is with me now - as He is always- being my friend. thank you Friend! =)

need to be on guard with my feelings and how i behave arn josh tho.. really wanna honour God with all that i am.. yep!

was jus thinking last nite tho.. that i tink our relationship has really kinda progressed a lil.. somehow it feels deeper.. hmm.. i can't really explain it tho.. i'd wan to put it into words.. but i tink when i do that sometimes.. i tend to censor it and it turns out looking right when it might not be right in my head at all.. guess i'm really learning how to be real..

in my life.. i want God to be my first love.. and i pray that my relationship with josh will not make me stray away from Him.. but i'll be able to be in love with the both of em.. tho God will and should definitely take first place!

he's going outfield this week.. andi pray that he'll be safe in the arms of Jesus.. that even in the times when he feels like giving up.. Jesus will be there every step of the way giving him the strength that he needs to carry on. praying that He will heal him as well.. cuz he's still sick. but yeah.. praying that he'll be protected from any danger seen and unseen. in Jesus' name, amen!

realize that he's really a very good son to his parents eh.. =) and tt sets my mind at ease..that he's steady enough and that his character is really pretty top notch. heh.. now its jus him getting plugged in with God and all tt.. and i'd like that for him.. as a friend.. that he'll grow stronger and stronger in the Lord.. i believe that God's really doing a great work in him. yep yep..

and i must remember that we are not set in stone to be together yet.. tho i'll admit.. i've been living my life that way.. and i feel like we're alr attached! oh no.. what can i do with this situation? i'm really at a loss.. gargh... God.. need Ur wisdom here.. help us to be obedient to Your voice.