my guy-dream

now this is odd eh? usually pp put my dream guy but no.. i'm not putting that.. not cuz i'm jus trying to be creative (well i am!) but also cuz its the phrase that i'm really looking for..

i had a dream jus now.. well last nite anyway.. and oh boy.. was i happy in that dream. i dreamt that i had a boyfriend in the dream. he loved me and i loved him. the last scene in the dream was when i jus danced arn him and landed in his arms.. his strong and warm arms.. and if i remember correctly, he was on the lean side but he had muscles on his arms.. so comforting.. and den he suddenly lifted me up. the feeling was so shiok. cuz it was like.. not only am i in the arms of the man i love.. but i felt so light and so confident that he would never drop me. but yet somehow in that lovely dream.. i felt like this guy didn't know Jesus. and when i woke up.. the feeling became more real. it kinda feels like that aftermath of a romantic night when u start thinking abt whether things are for real or are they really set in stone or whether u've made e right choice. reminds me of the times justin, pk n qx 'proposed' to me.

perhaps i had that dream because i was thinking abt them. i thot abt my sec sch life last nite.. and i must say that it was a very good sec sch history that i had. i was really happy and even as i look back.. i must say that i'm satisfied with the way things turned out. but yet now... i feel trapped in a time warp of some sort. like i'm not sure where to go now from here tho its been 3 yrs since sec sch. and i'm only feeling this now. hmmm...

however, what's getting me is the fact that i made mistakes in the relationship area. not that i regret that these mistakes were made.. cuz in fact i tink the one with pk really made my relationship with God real and qx made me understand the importance of having God's consent in everything. but its really scaring me(?) i might say is that altho i feel like i've come so far.. i'm going thru the same thing again.. and i'm going thru the same thots all over again.. but this time i'm seeing the end of the path before i reach it. and i know i've heard God tell me NO... very clearly. sometihng that i chose to ignore when i went out with qx.. and here i am.. at the very same crossroads after i went out for his social nite with him.. to be or not to be. i was sure that i didn't feel a tg for him that nite.. i tink it was only after eveyrthing when my sis n my mum told me that he was a good catch still adn that he still liked me.. AND when he started sending me smses like he used to...

tt's when i started thinking and thinking and thinking.. and i know deep down that he really shldn't be on my list.. and i tink God affirmed that last nite when Becky talked abt her sister and this guy liking her who wasn't a Christian. she put him away till he seriously got converted.. and well.. to be honest.. i wanna be like that.. i know i'm like that really.. its jus that now the surface currents are pulling me this way and that.. and its like all of a sudden.. i dunno what 'protocol' is anymore.. i dunno what is appropriate anymore.

maybe i need to stop living by rules and learn to live with those rules internalized in me so that i'm really not living by em but by the change that has been brought abt in me. have i learnt anything at all these past few yrs that God has called me to be His? i know i've tried to be set apart for Him.. but He knows my heart and how often it has wondered.. i'm jus amazed at His grace for me... =)

Jesus... i really need ur strenght, ur wisdom.. and ur Holy Spirit to change me n take over...

encountering God at pre-teen

wow.. never thot that i'd encounter God is such a way at the encounter meant for the preteens.. =) and tt jus goes to show that God never forgets anybody.. and that He's real and ready to minister to anyone who's ready. praise Him.. i love Him so much.. i jus wanna stay this way forever and ever and ever... well.. i will actually.. since i'll be in Heaven with Him when i die. and i know its sounds totally morbid when i say this.. but i actually jus mean that i'm jus gonna get closer and closer to Him.. closer than i ever have been.. oooh.. i wanna go Heaven!!! i wanna meet wif God all day and spend time with Him..

but hey.. i can do that! and i'm gonna make sure i keep it up wif God.. that every day i'll experience Him fresh and anew..

today becky told me abt how today when we led worship.. she was looking at me and she thinks that i've got a calling on my life.. and prophetic one.. that i'm anointed.. and that jus made me wanna cry.. like.. wow! so awesome... oh man... its jus weird la.. when i go there to minister.. i end up crying like mad and jus getting ministered and touched over and over again.. i love God so much!! and i must say that there's one thing that i've learnt from leading worship.. is that.. the thing is to forget abt myself TOTALLY and think abt God ABSOLUTELY. everytime i spent QT wif God in the mornings for preteen, i got spoken to.. and at night when i lay in bed(e first nite was e ONLY nite) i tink God revealed to me that He is my Designer and that He made me the way i am on purpose. there's a whole big grand scale design and plan behind my being and looking like this. and for me to alter it or to despise it would jus be wrong. it wasn't even ministry time or anything.. jus me and God and the bed. but yet.. even now as i type this.. i feel an affirmation like never before.. and i believe God is taking me to the next level as He is teaching me to be comfortable wif my own body.. =) praise the Lord!

everything jus fell into place this few days. everything happened for a purpose. the newspapers i brought for the game which we didn't play, were used for the burning of the sin sheets. and that's jus really by the hand of God that the timing and use was that. yaaay... i tink my pride went down quite a bit also during the worship sessions cuz it really isn't my voice or my skills but its God's presence.

becky's jus awesome as a leader. she's so encouraging and positive.. and man.. i wanan be like her!!!! =)

got second thots (if u can call it tt) well maybe, jus more thinking abt my 'calling' as a full time minister as a pastor? maybe i'm not meant to do that.. but i'm jus meant to be a professional/corporate person.. but yet living my life as a lay minister for the Lord. hmm.. maybe?

anyways Gary's asked me to teach at the encounter for youths. and well.. i must say that i'm kinda excited.. but yet.. i know that i hv to depend on Jesus for the knowledge.. and not on my own strenght alone. i hv to let God draw from me the things that He wants the youth to hear.. =) training's this sun.. and guess i'll jus hv to push dance pract to 1 ba... so dance from 1-3 den training from 3-5? and evening at 6.. really v long never go for evening service le.. i miss it.. =)

la la la.. camp on mon to wed.. dance blast.. feeling kinda jittery abt it... cuz i dun hv frens... but.. hmm.. i'll ask God for frens den... =) He'll provide me some.. thank You Jesus!!

feeling weakened and discouraged

hmm.. i dunno wad's gotten into me. its like i'm jus suddenly so tired of everything. well not exactly everything also. i'm aware that that sentence sounds a tad dismal and inaccurate abt my condition cuz i'm jus exaggerating. but truth is, i jus don't want to chase pp anymore for stuff. it like that day when me and the gals had some problems working out a time, i was jus frustrated. plain frustrated. and i couldn't help being so cold to dawn today. oh man.. how can i do that man? i thot i forgave her alr?? hmm.. but guess it takes me a lil longer for me to fully reconcile my feelings of amiability to her ba.. no doubt i've forgiven her le.

but den again what is forgiveness if it isn't shoown thru actions? i mean.. yeah.. God forgave us and He's been showing taht forgiveness thru His love. and well.. out of His love, He shows us forgiveness as well. so does this mean that i need to hv love in my heart first in order for this forgiveness to show?

tricky issue.

but yeah.. i forsee a VERY busy and long weekend ahead of me. kinda dreading it.. tho i know that separately, they're really nice and enjoyable. and i know that with God propelling me on, i'll get thru.

was jus thinking thru my mind that man.. life sure is tough. one moment i was refreshed and up there with God and now i'm like low low low.. but jus as i finished the thot, the Holy Spirit must've prompted me to remember this verse. IN all things, praise the Lord and go to Him in thanksgiving. i remember asking for hard times when i was reading the purpose driven life. cuz its only thru such hard things taht we can grow and we learn how to depend on God. and i guess my moment's come. so i'm gonna give thanks in the midst of it! thank You Jesus for the ability to type, that i have a home, that i've got Ur love, that i've got frens, that i've got food to eat, that my mouth can priase you, that U reign in my life, that U chose to create the trees and the birds and the animals, that U decided to give me this one more day to live, that U forgave me and died for my sins, i know that I live by grace and thank U for that grace Lord Jesus. Thank you for being my fren and thank u for this opp to be able to communicate with You and for this time of learning. Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!!!

hey.. i do feel better alr.. like things ain't so bad anymore! heh heh... thank U Jesus!!! =)

guess i'm jus tired la... had a late nite.. and guess tt's making me grouchy. plus.. from thurs turnout and disappointment.. guess i hven't recovered yet.. and it is inevitable the disappointments will come. but yeah.. looking at myself, i'm not too perfect either. so who am i to judge eh?

i realize that i'm getting progressively more worried abt money.. and i wonder why? i've never really worried like this before.. not so recently anyway. is it cuz i decreased my MFP? is it cuz i shut my life to God's grace? but den again.. God's grace surpasses far more than anything i could imagine....

so that's a lie.. that God decided not to bless me or give me His grace. esp considering that i jus typed abt it a lil while up.

i tink i'm jus withdrawing myself from Him. its like when i get into my me me me shell.. things don't seem to fit anymore. and i tink that's what i've been doing. running away.. hiding from the things tat are to come. Oh Lord.. I repent.. i ask that you forgive me for all the wrong attitudes and heart thots that have come from me. forgive me. i wanna get back close to you again and not let sin or my own selfish ambition separate us. u are the true vine and i need ur living waters once more. quench my thirst and give me strength Lord. u are my everything.. i need you. pls help me...help me to trust u with all that i have... in Jesus name, Amen.

committing:
- pre teen encounter games and worship
- tmr's cw lesson
- tmr's et blast lesson

Lord i know i haven't been a faithful srevant in preparing for teh lesson and these things that matter. forgive me. i know now that i live by grace and not by my own abilities. i wanna humbly come to you.. and i ask that do not let my unfaithfulness rob ur pp of hearing what they need to hear to be ministered. i pray that ur living waters, ur HOly spirit will be poured forth in the place and the time of ministry. forgive me Lord.. thank You. i know that i'm forgiven, because the debt and the price was paid 2000 yrs ago... thank You.. pls help me get thru.. and to shine for You, more and more.... -hugs-

living out the pages

jus now dawn jus told me that she wouldn't be able to make it for dance pract cuz she was planing on going to the fever 100 conference. and i'll admit.. i was a lil pissed.. cuz we made this agreement first.. but den i thot better of it.. and i tink.. yeah.. God deserves to be placed first in everything. this conference will do her soul good and i shldn't stifle whatever passion she has ya? in fact.. if not fr the dance pract.. i'd prob be going.. OH MAN.. i wanna GO! darn...

but den it also came into my mind that actually.. its abt priority la.. like if u make an agreement wif someone den u shld jus go ahead and fulfil it.. pretty simple eh? but in a case like this.. its kinda dilemmic.. ha.. okay.. made up word.. but still.. conveys things appropriately.

so it jus really occurs to me that yeah.. its true.. the Christian life really has to be lived out. its in the day-to-day decisions that we make that truly helps us see if we're Christian inside.. whether God has done that work in you or not. and i realize the power and wisdom of God's word. i mean.. i jus read the Bible ytd.. James 4 and before that, chapter 3. everything ties in so perfectly with what i've been thinking abt.. and it jus shows me the unity of God in the Word and in the Spirit.

for eg. i was thinking abt e sitn with dawn.. and i asked God.. for His wisdom in this situaion.. how am/was i supposed to hv reacted to dawn actually. and then i remembered what i read in 3:13-18. and i knwe that wisdom .. God's wisdom takes the form of purity, peace, consideration, submission, mercy, good fruit, impartiality and sincerity. i think i didn't fulfill eveyrthing.. considering that i was pissed.. and i had to make myself sound nice in the sms.. tho i was really in the process of thinking how to phrase my words appropriately so that i would be considerate and sincere abt it.. so yeah.. getting there.. with the help of the Holy Spirit!

think i jus got this revelation too when i was praying jus now.. like why we have to continually submit ourselves to God everyday and confess that we're sinners and ask for His forgiveness. okay it sounds really odd when i type it out.. but ya.. i realized that its so that we can keep living in His grace.. and not by our own strength. its like when we submit to Him by praying this.. we're acknowledging and reminding ourselves that we are still human.. and that we are all sved by grace and nothign else. so praying that really got me humble abt how i thot towards dawn. like.. man.. i shldn't even be judging or thinking such bad thots abt e situation/her.

and it gets me thinking abt wad me and my sis were talking abt tt nite.. abt monica... bleah.. i got so convicted when i read James 4:8- 12. i really am in NO position to judge.. and that jus reveals something yucky abt me.. Double Minded. i'm not better than a hypocrite when i talk against someone.. i'm judging the law and i'm bringing judgment on myself. thank God He always forgives me.. when i ask Him to.. so i know i'm forgiven... now.. why can't I be like that?!?! and how can i teach this to the youth when we're on a bitch session?

the Word is really sooo sharp and so relevant to my life. i dun care if pp say that its subjective blah blah.. we're ALL subjective beings anyway.. sheesh.. =) anyway.. talk abt boasting abt tmr.. when we can't even control e weather.. certainly brings things into perspective.. wanted to go swimming but ya.. weather acted up.. so uh huh.. real life lesson for me.

really wanna learn to live for God... He's showing me and revealing so so much to me.. its jus awesome!