blogging in the wrong blog

WAHAHAHAHA i jus realized that i blogged in the wrong blog.. darn! den all my sophisticated language all come out for nothing.. haiyah! -punches air-

ar well.. i'll consider copying and pasting it in 'In My Shoes' some other time ba.. i'll jus leave it here for now.. heh.. anyways since i'm at this blog now.. i'll jus blog abt what happened jus now la.. i mean.. its not to say that i'm sad or anything but i guess my heart's a lil unsettled now..and i know its not cuz of him but perhaps my own insecurities? and vulnerability ba.. and i know that God's holding this lil' heart o' mine in His big safe and strong hands now. -hugs-

we sat down at sakae to kinda talk things thru and find out where we're going.. wad are we and wad boundaries we shld be taking and it was going alright until we got to the part abt commitment and den josh jus alerted me to the fact that he's probably got this crush on a girl at church.. a back up singer to be exact. and let me tell u.. that jus sent my heart to the pits of my stomach and it didn't look like it would return. i told him that i felt like smacking my head in my bowl of ginger. cuz i was jus crushed.. with his crush.. ahhaha and i guess its cuz i really really like him.. and i've really invested so much emotion into this r/s.

BUT .. now you've gotta hear this

it jus turned out that josh was being VERY honest abt how he was feeling and on hindsight, he was being realistic.. and i'd say for myself that i've been there and i can say that on and off i will be there.. but its jus that i always tell myself that josh is better. that was wad he was trying to say.. so i basically broke my heart for nothing. tho it did feel really bad.. i almost cried in sakae cuz i felt so cheated.. like here we are building towards something and you say that u had a crush on someone????!?! i'm like wad?? hello? wad do and did you take me for?? for apparently.. its somewhat of a sense of admiration la.. and to him wad mattered was that his heart rested with me at the end.. tho i guess if we're in an exclusive relationship.. i dunno how much i can take for that.. cuz it potentially brings up a whole lot of stuff.. but bottom line is.. its that for now.. and i guess at this stage now.. i shldn't bring it up .. and i guess i will only bring it up if the situaiton arises again.. but right now.. i'm jus gonna bring it up to God.

alright.. so i've given it to God and i know i'm gonna let my heart rest with Him.. cuz He's the one that makes me whole and gives me solace. yep! its my almighty God.. my might King and beautiful Prince =)

but this had made me realize something abt me.. that i was more hurt with the 'lie' as in the feeling of being cheated rather than the fact that he 'likes' another girl. and i guess that makes me a sucker for honestly.. something that the book 'boundaries in dating' kinda talks abt.. and it makes me wan to be honest with him and the pp arn me too.. and it also got me thinking abt how jealous i can get. as in.. how possessive i can get cuz of my insecurity. and i realize that i need to continue to submit to God for this and to let Him fill me and not let josh take over as that filler. yep.. God.. pls guard my heart from feelings and actions that shld not be in this season.. i know You are the keeper of my heart and i give You the keys right now.

so yeah.. tt was the 'misunderstanding' that took place at sakae.. but it ended well.. cuz it jus made josh assure me so much more that he liked me and the fact that he said that if someone were to ask him if he was to marry me, he'd say it.. and tt mattered a lot to me. i mean.. that he jus wanted to assure me that he was interested in me.. that he liked me.. and that he wanted to be with me. i'm so thankful for that. i love him more than ever because of this.. that he's realistic, responsible and that he's sensitive to my needs as well. i tink its something that really wins me over la.. i've had to stop myself from messaging that i love him cuz i know that it isn't time for that now.. but honestly... i feel like i can say that.. tho only time will tell whether i really love him.. in action as well.

i also told him that i realized his love language is in giving.. while mine is in words... and i told him the depth of my commitment to him.. as in that i'm willing to enter into an exclusive r/s with him.. that while yes.. i'm not like 100% i will marry you, i'm prepared to focus on you more than any other guy and that i will do things for you that i won't do to any other. and yes.. tt's wad josh was saying too.. he was so clear abt it while i was kinda clouded over in my judgment and my sight somehow.. but he jus said that for now we shld stay where we were until the time is right and that we're jus choosing now to focus on each other more. and i agree with that.. but we're NOT officially a couple cuz tt'd mean being physical n all.. so yeah..

another thing i realize is that i also tend to micro manage and well.. i guess its time that i let go ba.. like not hold on so tightly to things but in everyting, submit to God above all... i tink i've neglected Him in the equation quite a bit these days.. sorry daddy.. forgive me? i do love You still.. and U know that.. but i know You miss me too.. i love You a lot too..i'm So blessed to have such a great Dad like you.. who knows my life inside-out and who loves me enough to give me the good stuff and keep me away from any danger that you see ahead. i love you.. an dlike the song said jus now.. i will giv emy life to you and for you. i love you. =)