the relief and revelation and rest

i can't believe that i managed to blah it out to him jus now.. EVERYTHING that i've been thinking of. and i can't believe that i've been so open to him. like i jus was being very transparent and that he could actually tell! argh.. ming.. what have you becomed? u used to be such an enigma.. and the other time it was him that did all the opening and the explanations. and now u're the one!

but honeslty that might not be such a bad thing. as in.. i know i'm what i am now cuz God changed me and healed the wounds in my heart such that i'm now free to love and free to express it. instead of being bound in my hurts and my pride.. i'm now Free. and Jesus.. thank You for that. thank U for being in that conversation and being in our lives.

i told him that last time i tink i wore a mask so that i really wasn't easily moved by stuff.. or frightened.. i tink i showed pretty little emotion last time.. which was why when i ever did, it was memorable. cuz it was so occasional and infrequent. now i make bimbotic remarks. i scream. i giggle like mad and now i love openly. and well.. to tell the truth.. it is a tad embarrassing. cuz pp can now see the frail and vulnerable me inside. the person that's needing reassurance and love and honesty. being at the mercy of those that see me. interestingly.. tho i feel more exposed.. i feel more of myself more than ever. and it really is God that removed that fear of man.. like how i'll look in front of pp and that i'm on my own. cuz now that i'm His child.. He has ownership and protection over me. He is my Guardian.

anyway i say thank God for the conversation cuz it really opened my eyes. and i really wouldn't have wanted it any other way and i know that it really is God's hand upon this situation. its like i jus worked out perfectly. not that we got together or anything.. but that it turned out right. and i have this peace in my heart right now.. that yes.. thigns are going the way they shld.

i'm jus glad that at lesat one of us is listening to God and walking in His ways. i believe God put htat desire into his heart.. to seek Him more and to grow in Him. and i'm super glad for that cuz i know now that it really isn't my duty or my responsibility to make sure he grows inthe Lord.. but that it really is the Lord that draws him and that he personally wants to be strong in the Lord.. that he's jus consumed with the first love for God once more. i'm so happy for him! cuz i really want the guy of my dreams to be in love with God first and foremost. and when i was thinking jus now.. i was worried abt this pt.. that he wouldn't be ready.. spiritually.. and well.. it turns out that God's already been speaking to him abt this part.

and next.. i'm so glad that my feelings are reciprocated.. tt he doesn't find me irriating at least. tho now its kinda awkward that i actually initiated sometihng physical in the cab. i guess he was smart to have left me at my door in a jiffy cuz if not i prob would've given him a hug.. which might be disastrous. he told me that i've never been irritating to him and that if i noticed.. what i wanted.. i got. and i jus think that its so sweet of him la.. =) that i'm so blessed to hv such a wonderful brother in Christ. and he's really clear on where he's steering towards.. and he's really guarding my heart too in a way. cuz he's asking me to check if its a crush or not. and i'm glad he brought that up.. and its jus amazing cuz mummy asked me to check that too and i've wondered that myself as well.. so yesh.. a sign that i really shld check my heart and that time shld be our deciding factor. i'm giving myself until this semester's end. if i still hv feelings for him. den well.. i guess he's e one that's always been for me. and with God's approval this time.. i'll enter into a relationship with him ig uess.

but now i'm jus feeling reliefed and a peace.. that things are settled adn tt they're going God's way. cuz somehow everything's jus fit in nicely. i dun even know how.. but yeah.. they have.. somehow. so now i'm jus typing to try and make a lil sense and concreteness out of it.. and well.. i hope i've succeeded. but yes.. thank God.. thank U Jesus.. thank U for settling this for me. U really are such an impt factor in this.. Give me self-control such that i can keep glorifying u in this.. whether we end up together or not.. cuz yes.. u might hv other plans up ur sleeves.. but Lord if this relatinship is meant to last.. i'm giving it to u now.. that we will honour u above all in whatever we do. that u will speak so clearly into our lives.. that ur Holy Spirit wil be here with us to minister to us.. thank U Jesus! =)

him again

my goodness.. i tink i'm jus falling head over heels in love/like/lust!! ARGH!

today in the cab i was like sitting so super close to him lo.. and i placed my hands on him thighs.. and aiyah.. i jus wanted to do that.. i mean.. i would've jus stroked it if not for hte fact that we're not together .. and i'm really not sure if he likes me still... i know this time that i DO like him..

what if he thinks i'm jus plain disgusting? like some ugly fat pig that's nuzzling up to him.. NOOOO.. what if he thinks i'm bugging him? irritating? pushing my luck too far? what if i'm not the gal he once knew? what if he liked the old me ONLY? i know i've definitely changed.. oh maan.. so many questions.. so many things i want answered...

and he's not giving me any answers!!! argh! i can only guess and pick up hints.. has he changed? is he still the straight forward guy i know he is? is he still the person i went out with long time ago? tho admittedly.. he has changed.. heh.. tho does he still like me in that way?

thing is.. does God want me in this relationship? i feel too lazy to go thru the spiel that's in my head.. whichi s sad.. cuz i tink i really need to read thru my thots to be able to see things clearly.. but yet.. i'm jsu.. hmm.. i jus wanna hv things in the open.. but yet.. i'm afraid of knowing the truth.. its like..i jus wanna be with him.. and tt's all i know.. but will God break us up?

hmm.. actually God can never break pp apart.. its only if their hearts are turned towards him.. and actually e extent of how much they listen to him.. am i someone like that? do i actually care what God thinks? or do i jus want His favour? maybe dating isn't such a stigma.. i dunno why i keep seeing it as being sometihng that will keep me from him? am i such a person? will i be able to focus on God still? will this relationship bring me closer to him?

but yet.. i feel like i'm at this pt where i'm really moving out in my ministry.. well.. God's ministry.. and i dunno.. if i were to get into something wif him.. i'd really jus hv no time.. but thing is.. den when? i know for sure that he'll ask me to do the right thing..i hv confidence in that.. cuz tt's jus him.. disciplined.. but WAIT A MINUTE

how am i so sure that i AM gonna be in a relationship with him?

hmm..

and what makes me so sure that he wants to be in one with me? what if he's jus putting everything on for the sake of being nice.. or fr the fact that we used to be ex-es? hmm..

do pp put as much thot into their dating lives as i do? shld i do that? what's the right way abt this?

how come pp seem to get together so easily while i jus struggle and struggle.. do i hv a warped perception of relationships?

am i being too bold for my own good? am i jus moving in my own way? ARGH! Jesus!!! i need help!! pls let me never be too ashamed to come to u and seek u in all i do.. cuz u're my life!

me? attracting attention?

ha.. i tink i jus have to get this out la. cuz i seldom attract so much attention and get myself into such situations. so its really a particularly sweet memory. reminds me of my sec sch days.. hahah =)

anyway.. its abt ytd la. i can't believe that i was jus so caught up in my thots abt ytd that i couldn't sleep. blah! i tink i'm boy-crazy -slaps self- how can rite??? so despo.. sigh... but den i realize one thing.. and that came of my outing with qx. that i love Jesus more and more as i'm out with him as in for ytd in particular. its like i'm suddenly so aware that Jesus is like him and so much more.. and i admire that characteristic of Jesus so much. i'm so in love with Him!! =) -swoons- Jesus.. u're my ou3 xiang4!!

blading with qx ytd was good..cuz he was so chatty! so cute!! its like i've never seen him talk so much.. EVER! he jus went on and on and talked abt e stuff that he liked to talk most.. and i liked listening.. haha tho well.. i kinda shut off at certain parts when he was explaining some details to me. heh! but i'm so glad that God.. U've really got him under Ur wing.. U've really got a hold on him.. and tt makes me so reassured.. thank U Daddy!

somehow i jus like spending time with him.. and ytd at night i msged him.. well he msged me first la. to apologise for being late in the morning and for coming out to skte with him. and i'm thinking to myself.. it was my pleasure to be doing that.. haha tho it was nice of him to sya that la.. he usually doesn't do that.. prob feels that he shld now cuz i told him that i didn't like him ignoring me.. and i guess ocs social nite did something for the two of us la.. started sine sparks.. heh heh! anyways.. i somehow thot that he might be able to go home with me and i tink he would've if i'd told him that i was alone. so yeah.. i'm blessed.. and i'm honestly glad that i have such attention. heh heh.. it feels nice to be loved.. in that special way..

i jus realized.. ig ot the attention of 4 guys ytd.. hahah well 5 if u include my dad.. but yeah! he's not counted.. i always get his attention! hahaha good ol' dad.. love him to bits!

shaun was one of em i guess. perhaps cuz i was e one he was most comfy with there ytd ba.. but he jus seemed to talk to me a bit more.. and like share a part of himself with me. what really interests me tho was that he took the bouquet of flowers that we bought for chee lay and did a mock proposal! hahahah tho he didn't manage to finish it cuz i was 'NooOOooo' tho now on hindsight i'm like.. stupid stupid! why did i say that? cuz i might hv come across like i was rejecting him by doing that. but anways.. i noticed that he laughed at me a bit more.. like when i was doing some funny expression and action he'd be so entertained by me.. haha adn i liked that kinda attention. love talking to him.. he's prob one of those guys that i got real chemistry with.. like i can jus go on and on with him. tho i hope i didn't go overboard with my tricks and pranks on him.. hahaha =)

next person was this guy.. one of cheelay's frens. apparently he's from nus science! majoring in chemistry wor.. and chee lay jus came up to me and asked.. 'karina, are u attached?' and i jus dumbly said no lo! diaow.. and from the corner of my eye i jus saw all the guys staring in my direction.. so pai seh! but honestly this is the first time la.. that i got noticed by a guy that i barely know.. hmms.. he's called wei qiang btw.. tho he intro-ed him self to me as leonard.. cuz he said i was v ang moh pai4. so err.. =) anyways.. once the others found out abt this person that wanted to know me more, they teased me no end la.. hahaha so funny.. i have cool frens.. e things they said ar.. too many le.. can't put all of em down.. and well.. that guy jus cam eup to me an chatted me up la.. not bad la.. he's a nice guy.. frenly and chatty as well. but gues he's jus like chu jie? jus like to be frenly only ba.. cuz he was talking to other gals too la.. lik xiu hui.. and he noticed rebecca too.. haa that chio bu! =)

final guy of the day was this survey guy who tried to pick me up la.. and i knew he was trying to do that cuz he insisted on getting me to do the survey - prob for my name - tho he knew i was under 21.. heh! and he jus tried to make small talk la.. and guess he wanted me to put down my number.. but i refused.. so i gave him my email.. heh heh.. =P he was quite cute tho! wahahhaha.. not too bad looking.. got good height and build..

so yeh.. happening eh? prob gonna visit shaun's church on sunday.. and well.. honestly.. if only that guy would make e first move..i would give this relationship a shot.. but well.. he isn't so i dunno where he stands on this la.. tho i'm jus telling God.. he's such a great guy!! hahahaha =)

the arts?

met with becky today.. and i must say.. it was PHENOMENAL! it was like God was there every second!

alright.. to be honest.. i thot i was gonna go there to kinda get some pep talk.. cuz somehow even tho i told her that i could make it for meeting next sat which now i've alr told her i can't.. she still wanted to meet me and that was wen i started to think.. 'uh oh' did i do something wrong? cuz i know that i haven't exactly been the angel arn here. i know my slip ups when i say the wrong things to the kids when i talk casually with em. i mean.. i jus felt wrong.

but boy was i wrong! becky talked abt none of the things that i was worried abt.. and i shld've known really.. she's jus too awesomely nice and tuned into God to do something horribly hurtful like that. guess i was jus givng myself a reality and pride check.

turns out that she had these awesome ideas on how to revamp the CW and KB systems and i'm jus so so so honoured and so privileged that she shared em with me whilst i was there. and to see her niece and nephew pics too! they're SO adorable!! i can't believe they're back in ireland.. awww...

wad's amazing is that.. becky has asked if i would be able to do the Arts side of things in some sense. cuz for CW she intending for the 2nd n 4th weeks to be worship after their kids' cells [tho we both agreed that the name's gotta be changed] and for KB she was thinking of having stuff workshop style after abt 40 mins of lesson so that the kids would be equipped for things like outreach etc. and the stuff involved things like drama, dance, puppetry, human video etc. and i tink that's jus so cool! and the more she talked abt the more i realized that God's been steering me in this direction all this time!

alright.. let me rewind to sunday cuz it was the most recent incident. i was jus praying and asking that God would give me a renewed passion for the kids cuz at this point i've jus really been thinking a lot abt leaving the ministry or well.. at least the leader-ish part of it cuz i realized that my primary ministry was really with the youth. and that day i was supposed to lead worship and it was miserable. raining.. plus i didn't get enough sleep the nite before cuz i didn't want to.. cuz i chose to ignore the fact that i had duty the next day. now that i'm not too proud of. i literally shoved my ministry to God off the racks and propped my feet up to kick back and relax when i shld've at least been resting so i could give my best to God. but God showed up anyways.. and that's jus how faithful and merciful and gracious and awesome He is. that even when i was unfaithful.. He was Faith-Full.

of cuz it didn't help that i got my arm jammed on the car window as it was whirring up shut.. and yeah..i hv a bruise there now.

but then it hit me that i shld thank God IN all situations. and so i did. i jus gave my whatever to Him and told Him that i wanted to worship Him. and it was so awesome. i felt my 'burden' lighten almost imm and i jus smiled and i believe the Holy Spirit was right there inside of me keeping me calm when things didn't work out.. giving me the Joy of serving the Lord in that manner regardless of what happened. and i remember telling God that i wanted to worship and to jus let Him shine thru no matter wad.

and guess wad? everybody's been telling me and esther eversince.. that worship was so awesome. and its ALL GOD'S GLORY!! woohooo! i mean.. at first me and her didn't notice a thing and in fact it only hit me today that God really showed up in that place on sunday esp when sis susan comisky came up to me and told me 'great worship on sunday' and i was jus stunned.. hahahah apparently Becky took some pics of me and the team. she calls em 'beautiful pictures of u' and i feel so happy.. so .. glad that she would think of me this way. she's really such an awesome leader.

the greatest compliment that she could ever give me was when she told me today.. that i was really up there worshipping and it showed on my face. that i wasn't there for myself, that i was teachable. and to me.. that was jus.. WOAH.. mind blowing! cuz for somebody to say that abt me when i'm always thinking that i'm such a stuck up pris with all the pride in the world.. it jus showed me that God's really doing something awesome in my heart and its making me go all the more for Him.. that i wanna change my life arn for His glory! wooo!

and tt's what she said when she told me that she wanted me to be one of the key persons in starting up the worship and arts stuff for the kids. and here's where the interesting part is. i remember pretty clearly on sunday that as i was standing on stage.. or rather.. somewhere on stage.. i thot to myself that i felt more inclined to doing the arts like leading worship or dancing or drama.. more than teaching. and i felt rather down cuz of that. cuz i was in CM and if u're in CM but u don't hv the heart to teach kids.. den.. wad are u there for? so i was jus really feeling it big time .. no passion for kids.. no passion for teaching. oh man.. i jus wanted to quit. but one thing that struck me was that i enjoyed dancing arn and worshipping God and leading the kids into it.. tho at that time those thots weren't so coherent. and Becky jus said everything that came to my mind that day. it all jus clicked.

so today's when i met up with her and left her office.. i was jus so awed by how eveyrthing had turned out. becky told me to go back and pray over this for the next few weeks cuz she was aware that i was involved in youth as well. and tho i tink the arrangements sound good.. i guess maybe i really shld let God do the arranging in my life and how He wants it to unfold. so Daddy.. here's another one for u! =) i'm glad that U're more than able to handle it! and u know what when i walked out... i jus felt so light.. its like i knew that God would handle my studies and everything else that came with it. so its jus a real relief right now..

becky's jus awesome. and she also told me that i had a prophetic calling and she prayed for me after everything.. so yeah.. everything's good.. i feel almost as if i'm like catapulted to an all time high. and i know eveyrthing's for real. wooo!

another thing that made me tear was how i got saved.. somehow that personal story jus hit me inside.. and i realize again.. how far God has really brought me and my sis in our walk with Him. and not once.. not once has He ever failed to show up. it jus goes to tell that He truly is the same. yesterday.. today and forever.

i love You Jesus!

him

guess this shall be my first 'secular' post ya? but den again.. once u're a christian.. nothing's separated anymore.. as in..t here's no difference in category between the kind of experience i hv in church during service and the one i have outside it at school or at home. cuz everything's done by God's hand and its all done with a msg in mind.

dr don would say that this significance ascribed to every single event in life would be because of our representational model built into us as humans. and honestly i think God gave that to us.

but anyways.. this entry is abt him. yes.. him. not Him. but him. the person that i've been thinking abt ever since he msged me that day. i must admit that i have been having thots of getting back together with him altho i know that God doesn't want me to. and that's causing me quite a bit of 'pain' because i want to be in a relationship.. and well i do like him.. or rather.. i miss him. i guess i can't really pin it to liking yet.. but i miss him and i want him to be back soon. he's away in brunei btw. and i'm jus so envious of erjie and whoever who's in a relationship now.. tho i know that deep down i'm fine without being in a relationship.

i guess i'm jus really insecure inside and i'll admit.. i do miss the kind of affection that's involved in such a relationship. that i'll hv somebody to love and to care for. to worry abt.. to share my time with (or rather whatever time i have left). i'm at that stage of time in my life when i tink i'm ready for a relationship. but.. how come? there're no guys appearing in sight?

well.. maybe there are.. and i'm prob jus settling for the easier target cuz i tink he still likes me.. while the rest are a mystery. there are 2 other guys who kinda fit the bill for me. but thing is.. how do i know if i'm the kind of girl that they like??

this is where the insecure bit comes in ba. do i need a guy to validate my value and my worth? that i'm pretty enough? that i'm desirable enough? that i'm straight? hahaha okay tt was jus thrown in for the sake of it. perhaps that's what God is teachign me thru this season of 'desire'. He's prob right there telling me to hold my horses and jus wait.. be patient cuz He is gonna deliver the goods. but oh man..i can't wait!! i jus feel so anticipative abt the guy that He's gonna introduce to me.

i mean.. i've always had this concept of The One for me. but now i'm too sure if i believe it anymore. i still hold strong to the concept that yes.. sex is for marriage. so not to worry. but i guess i'm movign on to a different kinda thinking.. that i dont exactly have to stop myself from going out on dates like casual dating jus cuz i'm waiting for the right one? but den.. by casual dating.. does that mean me holding hands with the guy i wanna hold hands with? or does that still remain out of bounds?

physical intimacy has always been something that sets a couple apart. if i hold hands with say, him, then am i starting a relationship with him? am i opening a door that shouldn't be open? what shld i do? do i like him at all?

i honestly jus want to be there when he comes back. to give him a big big hug that i've never given him as a girlfren. i broke up with him cuz i wanted to have a clean break so i could really concentrate on God. is he really the one for me? since now i'm more stable than i was in God 3 yrs back.

but is he strong enough? he says he's back in church. but can i take it that he's rooted strongly in his relationship with God? i dn't want to be unequally yoked like what it was like with pk. am i gonna be ahead of him in spiritual maturity? physical and mental i'm pretty sure he's fine. but am i too sociable for him to take? he's kinda shy and not as socially open i guess.

maybe i shld give it time..

tho its really 'killing' me in that sense. its like i can't wait to share my life with somebody. to pour out all this passion that's in me to somebody. to a special someone. those feelings jus can't be replaced by somebody in the family tho i do love them VERY much. they're jus the most awesome pp ever. but yeah.. there is that kinda space in my heart waiting for that special person to come along. n right now its him. somehow.. tho i somehow feel that it isn't supposed to be him.

Lord... is this a test? i'm jus so afraid of missing out on the right one if i'm engaged in another relationship. honestly.. tho i tiink U know it already. it isn't that relationship with U that i'm afraid of damaging. and maybe that's the problem.

maybe i'm not that stable yet. but den again.. i'll always be growing. i'll never be perfect. so does that mean that i can't ever get married? okay now this sounds stupid. but i gues i jus had to get it out.

maybe its not time yet. hmm.. when will i know?