munching on cookies - electricity!

here i am.. munching on this new biscuit that i found in the drawer.. oh boy.. i'm turning into a nibbler recently.. but interestingly.. i'm lighter than when i actually try to eat less.. maybe its true. when u eat lesser.. ur body thinks its starving and jus starts storing up more fat that shld be lost with exercise. but tonite.. i just got reminded that my body was created by the perfect God who said it was jus exactly the way it wanted. and i'm not complaining! =)

tonite was electric. God was in the place! ps Miguel made us take some personal time with God as our Father and when i found out that it was the topic of the night as me and li sha entered in, i was jus blown away. to think i'd jus been thinking abt God and abt 'Father' !! wow.. God is really really hearing me and answering my every question. He really CAN take it!

on sunday nite(i think i haven't blogged this yet) ps miguel gave me a very fatherly hug and it jus made me go all teary eyed when i felt that kind of fatherliness and warmth in the hug, something that i haven't felt in my dad all these yrs.. or maybe months.. i dunno.. its jus been so long. and today i read the Bible and i admitted to God that i was rather disturbed by the violence and anger in the scenes/situations depicted and i jus asked God like.. who was He exactly? why is it that He's so loving and yet.. i feel this way towards Him? How do I know Him? and then i think i jus heard the Holy Spirit speak.. or maybe it was my heart speaking.. that God is a Father....

and voila! that was wad was preached tonite! i'm jus so so so amazed as the tremendous love my Father has for me. and i really got that assurance that He isn't a Father tt will loose His anger on me indiscriminately. and this is where it gets really really interesting. at first when ps miguel made us all talk to God as a child would to a Father. i'll admit.. i was rather comfy and mybe even skeptical/complacent abt it. like i thot i was ministered enough, that i didn't need to get all weepy and i wasn't even sure i would. and for a moment there i was wondering if i'd be the last person there to cry or something. i can't really describe the moment there and then.. but i jus felt like 'oh no... am i gonna get ministered or not?' and so there i was.. dry-eyed and comfortable.. jus talking to God. but then i remembered what ps miguel told us to do. He told us to be really frank with God. and since we were on the topic of parents, i knew that my relationship with my dad was really not on track. its like.. i don't even want him to touch me anymore without me feeling really uncomfortable and irritated. i won't even let him kiss me or hug me like the way he used to. and these has been going on for quite a bit.. i remember talking to my mum and sis abt it recently only.

so i spill this to God and for a moment there.. i'm clueless abt the entire relationship. its like i suddenly lose my words and i don't even know where to begin, or how to pray? and i jus felt speechless. all i could tell God was... ' i dunno.. there's just a barrier... something that's stopping me from being close to my dad' i tried to think back on the times and trace the source of this distance.. but nothing came to mind. it was only when i felt a hand on my head, jus stroking my head gently.. in a loving way.. (it was one of the female youth ministers i think) that i jus started breaking down.

i started sobbing uncontrollably and at that moment, it was suddenly all revealed to me. that i'd been desiring that touch of love so so much when i was younger, even as recently as 2 yrs ago.. and i had gone to my dad for it. but it jus got destroyed by that one time when my dad took it out on me when i'd frustrated him. it was during my jc days that i somehow got into an argument with him and started crying. my dad jus kept telling me to stop cuz if my mum got back den he would get in trouble. and i couldn't.. so i ran into my room on my mum's bed and jus cried and tried to stifle my cries. but he followed me into the room and he hit the space beside my head on the pillow and tried to get me to stop some more. but i couldn't. it was jus too overwhelming. and then he smacked me.. i tink.. on my butt/thigh. so i jus tried to stifle what i could and stop my tears from coming down.

he apologised for that moment. and i tink it was cuz he was having one of his bad days. but.. i guess it stayed with me. and the Holy Spirit revealed to me today that this was why i've been keeping my distance with my dad since then. it was only today that i realized how much i needed to let it go.. forgive my dad and learn to trust my heavenly Daddy and know that He wouldn't do that to me. i realized also today that i'm prob not developing my relationship with my dad because i'm refusing to. because i'm jus not taking the effort to reach him. and on sat.. this other thing was revealed to me too.. that i could be the holding pt in this family.. the one whose actions would make the difference in whether this family stays tog or apart. and i tink God wants to use me as a vessel in this family, somehow...everything's still in His power tho..

tonite.. after the personal session we had with God... all the youth got together in their regions to pray.. and now i feel more fiercely so that the youth need to be united and re-integrated as one whole in order for us to trample on the kingdom of darkness. i'm jus so motivated to keep on leading the youth in this manner and jus now before i left sara came up and hugged me. it was so unexpected.. to think i wanted to give her that hug during the ministry time. God must've known that.. and it was so to encouraging to know that it was her way of saying a thank you to me.. for sticking by her all these times. n i'm intending to continue doing this work of reintegration and unification in the youth. to reach out to those in need of frenship and a kind word. to be an encourager to the down-trodden.. to keep believing in those who have given up on themselves and think that the world has turned its back on them. yes.. this is what i want to do all my life. this is my ministry to the body.

felt so unwilling to leave the youth.. since they were all begging me to stay behind and hang out with them with macs.. but i had to go.. cuz i didn't wan my parents to worry abt me coming back so late. plus li sha wanted to catch the shuttle bus.. which we didn't manage to.. so we cabbed back. ha.. $$$ flowing out.. heh.. nvm.. God will provide.. somehow.. He is the Father! 2 Corinthian 6:18 i think... shall check it out someday and put the verse here.. its jus so so apt for my situation right now..

jus feel so in love with my heavenly Daddy right now.. its like i reached that secret place jus now.. and i knew that i was safe.. and i will always... be safe.. in His loving arms.. -hugs Him-

A river

okay.. am back.. now to blog abt ytd at the youth camp night sessions. it was good.. really. and i tink God revealed something to me. a new strategy for winning my frens to Christ. and that is to be in the river of God's spirit all the time.

elvin was leading us in this song, dance in the river and then ps jeremy jus went up on stage to talk to us abt being in the river. and den i tink i saw in my mind's eye a river and then, i dunno how i shld put this, but i jus got this revelation abt a river eroding the banks and even hard rocks that are in its way. and it jus spoke to me abt the pp arn me and perhaps even situations, now that i think abt it, that although they may seem hardened and difficult, God's river will eventually get thru to them. and how they can get into contact with this river is thru me! well.. christians actually.. but river-bearing christians. and how we shld do that is to continually pray, give thanks and worship Jesus!

amazing.. just gives me new passion and fire to be different fr e pp arn me.. to stand out and be set apart for God's glory.. to show the world that with Jesus in me, i'm blessed and i'm joyful and that they can have it too. Jesus loves the world! victories were won on that Cross of Calvary.. so many that sometimes we jus don't realize it and we choose to live in defeat so many of our days.

i've got to let the pp arn me know this! i feel like i jus got saved again.. =)

Saturday - the Calling?

Okaaay... so my 'first' post didn't work out.. as in.. the internet jus choked up and my nice diary-esque entry got wiped out. never mind.. no biggie.. i could do this again. [hmmm.. feeling a tad hungry now... wonder why. considering that i just ate breakfast a mere 2 hrs ago.. its a lil early to be feeling hungry eh?]

Anyways... this entry is abt what happened on Saturday. and even now... i'm hardly sure if i heard right or whether it was just me. i'm in a state of being certain and yet uncertain. its a terribly odd feeling if you ask me. not that its disrupting my rhythm of life... but its jus .. hmm.. odd.

But this being my first entry, i should give some background ya? in case i get amnesia someday or just forget it totally when i'm off track. i always prepare for such circumstances, which explains why most of the things taht are precious to me always have my full name and the full name of the person that bought it for me.. inclusive of the date and occasion. i always keep my old organizers too, cuz they simply reflect that bit of me in the day to day living of my life back then. never fails to bring back memories.. good and bad.. tho when i look back now... they seem to be mostly good. edwin says i'm jus in my lil world and i'll admit, that got me thinking quite a bit as to whether i was really living in this world or if i were jus off on my own while the rest of the world is suffering. guess this is what they call the grace of God, when you're in the world but not of the world. and reading eugene's recent post earlier, it confirms my thots that 'hey, don't pp want to be happy?' edwin seems to be one of the few pp in this world, or rather in my world, that don't seem to hv that desire to look on the brigth side or aim for happier things. hmm... but thinking back, actually he does... more so than anybody else.. but guess he's just been hurt and deceived too many times. poor guy...

Gosh... i've really digressed... ah well.. my journal.. my thots.. wonder if i'll neglect my other one now that i hv this private one. heh!

But point of this post is concerning my future... my calling i guess...

U see, like a few yrs back i did this test that evaluated my spiritual strengths as a Christian. like whether i was suited to be an evangelist, prophet, pastor, admin, etc etc.. oh alright.. i only remember these few. I tink i did it when i was hmm.. in sec 4? possibly after my o levels since i recall that i was already President of the Student Council back then already. well, doing the test, it might've been skewed by my inflated ego, u'll never know... i saw that pastoral care was top on my list. i'll admit, i was kinda shocked but also a lil disappointed tho.. cuz i'd jus read this present darkenss and i tink i wanted to be a prophet or an evangelist or something.. i can't remember the details but yeah.. that was it. i remember telling my sis abt the results and she went 'wow... maybe u're meant to be a pastor'. so that started me thinking.. but not as much as now.. probably cuz i had other things to worry abt.. like A levels and getting into the 'right' JC.

a few yrs on, which leads up to now, i guess maybe my thots have been more concentrated on life as a package. like... not as just stopping on the edges of school but as something extending beyond that. maybe its the coming of age as i ponder abt what my future will be. guess as the yrs have gone by.. i've really gotten more serious wif God tho i'll admit that there's sitll alot of work more to be done in my life... prob will be finished when i get to heaven.. heh!

last sem.. i remember farah telling me that i'm prob gonna be a pastor.. as in.. she sees me doing that.. and pan has told me that she really doesn't see me working in a normal office job.. like doing admin or something. not deskbound at least. rather, i'm prob gonna be someone that travels arn and does social projects. and i tink.. wow.. tt's really wad i wanna do.. but den again.. i'm wondering if i'm jus thinking that i wanna do it cuz of whad pp say or is it that i am really so.. cuz afterall.. pp can tell what u're gonna do by the way u carry urself. but .. maybe .. what if.. its jus one big cycle?

honestly speaking... i don't see myself at a deskbound job as well. maybe that's why journalism draws me so much. its because i'll always be on the move, chasing stories and i love writing, so that suits me great! but jus now as i was reading the papers... i suddenly felt like journalism might not really be the thing for me. i can't explain why... maybe its e module i took, but den again.. well.. i dunno... i suddenly feel like i jus wanna go on missions and do an anthropological study on the pp there.. like u know.. make myself useful by recce-ing the place before pp set foot.. run language courses.. etc etc..

on sat.. i was jus worshiping and den i suddenly got the feeling that yeah.. i really am gonna be a pastor some day. and tt jus made me cry.. like.. woaaah! so i really dunno what's going on.. am i or am i not? is it now? or is it later when i'm old and wrinkly? am i gonna do this in singapore or somewhere else?

but one thing i know for sure.. is that i'm gonna fight for this generation. its not gonna die without a fight!!

long post.. with an abrupt end cuz i'm on msn now.. haa.. anyway.. more later! that's e best thing abt wireless.. i can go into my room and type or something.. its gonna be jus like a diary! whee!

signing off!