angry?

i realize this.. that i'm actually angry with him... yesh.. angry.. and i tink its part of the cycle of getting past grief.. and i tink i'm angry that he wasn't much of a boyfriend when i needed him and he isn't much help now. i'm angry that he chose to do this now when i'm hurting the most and when my birthday is coming. i'm angry that he chooses to be so holy and mighty and perfect and ignores what's really happening on the ground. i'm angry that i made so many sacrifices for nothing and now i feel cheated of my feelings and flesh.. i feel like i've been made use of, to satisfy his carnal cravings and now that he's gotten his fill.. he's gone. i'm angry that he jus doesn't talk things through. i'm angry that he wasn't the guy i thot he was. i'm angry that because of this, i have a whole lot of explaining to do which isn't the most comfortable of things to do. the silence that results when i talk about it kills..

but yet i know that this is jus me talking. and i want to say tha ti understand but sometimes the anger gets to me an di know that if i don't get this out of the way i'll end up lik ea bitter old woman. and i know that a lot of it is not true even tho i think it is. because he's hurting as much as i am and he's got the same amt of explaining to do.

i find myself getting angry at both him and my dad and i'm wondering if its a guy thing. am i gonna turn against all the guys in the world and feel envious of those who have wonderful partners? i certainly hope not.. and i tink i need God to change my heart.

i'm in the furnace now.. and i tink i'm being made a salty christian once more. and i tink that requires me to be me.. skin, bones, mind and spirit.. ALL of me. not the facade.. not the shadow.. not the one that ought to be there.. ALL. ME. no more pretenses.. if i feel sad, i'll be sad.. and if i'm happy.. i'll be happy.. and i know that God will be in charge of the process cuz i'm putting Him in charge.. right God? thank you for being there for me. i almost cried on the bus and you know it.. you know the anger i feel deep down.. and i pray that you remove it. i don't want to be bitter or unforgiving. i forgive him and i forgive papa.. Lord help me deal with the anger and the issues. but don't let me become numb to the pain.. help me to feel it but be in charge of the process.. and heal me. make me whole. i want to be whole. not perfect.. but whole.. and be the girl you made me to be. i praise you and thank you for this entire process cuz you've chosen me for it.. and you're revealing and doing something new in my life even tho i don't see it now. you're working in the wings. and i wanna keep trusting in you because you are God..

because you are God.. wow.. i never knew that it could be that way now.. but yeah.. i guess i'm going a lil bit more deeper with him.. and yep.. i'm glad for that..

it still hurts tho.. and it stinks being hurt..

sigh...

i feel lost

its like i don't know what to feel now. in the mornings i feel like i have all the strenght in the world cuz my Daddy gives it to me.. but then somehow when it hits evening, i begin to feel all alone again and i wonder whether what i've done in the morning.. can it sustain me. will i ever be strong enough? am i?

on sat nite josh and i talked about something that.. i'd say impacted and is still impacting me a lot. he said that he wanted to take these 2 years off n jus conc on getting to know God more.. growing emotionally, spiritually and financially. and when he told me, i honestly didn't know how to react.. i mean.. i felt an awful pain in my chest and even now as i type this and as i remember.. i feel like crying... but i'm not crying as hard as i did last nite.. maybe God's really healing me on the inside.. He was in my room last nite.. and i know He's with me always..

but yeah.. i dunno how to feel about this. on one hand, i see the logic and the reason behind it. cuz i shld know.. i did it to him before. i broke up with him cuz i wanted to walk with God and jus follow about God.. i knew that God didn't want me to be in a r/s then.

so does this mean that God doesn't want us to be in a r/s now? i jus read our daily journey and it talked about asking the right 'why' questions that God will answer. and i realized that i've been asking the wrong 'why' questions in a way.. that i'm asking why this is happening to me and why this has to happen now.. so yesh.. i know better now.. and i'm confused cuz it feels like i've got 2 characters and trains of thot running thru me. there's this spiritual side of me understanding it all an dknowing that God will get me thru the heartache and the 2 yrs.. if i do end up with him again. but on the other hand, it hurts so bad.. and i'm not sure if i can take it anymore. i feel like i'm losing concentration with my studies (a big worry) and i jus feel down in general, like i can't be that sunshine tt i want to be or that pp have always known me to be. i felt like i was dying on the inside when he told me that. alright it jus occurred to me that the kernel of wheat has to die in order for something new to be grown.. and is this what its gonna be like now den Lord? i know U're showing me something.. and i tink the 2 yr break will be good for me too cuz i've been reflecting and directing a lot of angst and hurt to josh.. i dun tink its fair.. but i'm also thinking.. what if i do marry him and in future..he'll need to be there for me too.. altho i know that God and my family, frens will be there for me too.

one thing is clear tho.. that God does not view either as a sin. if we stay together.. it isn't a sin.. and if we don't.. it doesn't make it sin either. its jus what seems best for us at the moment.

i feel like job and when i was jus doing my QT in the morn.. i felt so so so much like how job was feeling way back. and i guess pp might look at me that way and i'm afraid of that.. that pp will question why i can't seem to stay in a proper r/s somehow. i'm afraid that i'll be looked down upon.. but yet.. i know that as i release the situation to God and jus walk by faith.. He will honour me.. and He has done that before. i know that I'm of worth.. and iknow that being broken by the divorce has released that little bit of light and fragrance to the world.. i am the daughter of the King. and that abundance that He's promised me will come to pass.. even tho the road may be hard. i tink God's really training me up in something.. but i tink i need help. i need a fren who i can turn to for what i'm feeling inside. i know i've got jiejie and gosh.. i'm so so thankful for her.. really.. she's been such a blessing. but i'm jus praying for God to show me someone who's been thru what i'm going thru.. and well.. i jus need that kinda counsel and that love.

i'm wondering what my birthday celebration will be like.. i guess its a good thign that josh has to go for range on my birthday itself. so at least i dun hv to worry abt how to spend my day or something with him. but i'm really wondering how we're supposed to treat each other now. we said that we'd give each other 3 weeks to think this thru.. he's gonna fast for 3 weeks and well.. fo rme.. i'm jus gonna seek God on this.. but somehow when i speak to him at night.. (he doesn't even call me!!! grrr) i jus feel so overwhelmed and saddened by the whole thing, i switch off and i don't know what to say. i tink i express myself better in writing. and he mentioned like how we shld treat each other like frens for now.. an di'm wondering like.. hmm.. isn't that fast fwding the process then? he says he wants to speak to alvin abt this.. and i'm hoping that this works out somehow that good advice and good counsel will jus come in to shed light on this issue.

it feels terrible being stuck in this situation.. like i'm attached but not attached.. and now i'm wondering if i pressured him into being in this relationship since he's always emphasized that he wants to know God more.. and tt's really been on his agenda a whole lot since before we got together. so is this the time that i really shld let go? following in the words i used this morn... release him? i guess i shld be thankful for all the wonderful moments we've had over the past 3 months being together.. although i feel as tho i've invested so much of myself into this that now when i have to withdraw it.. it feels like a part of me is disappearing with the r/s. are we putting this on hold, or are we totally taking it away? is there even a difference?

sometimes i'm worried that i'll jus end up depressed like how my mum and my sister are.. NO in the name of Jesus i rebuke that! cuz i'm been bought over by the blood of the lamb and all curses and generational sickness shall not come to this generation and this line!!! in Jesus NAME!

gosh.. tt was a lie..... that was a trap... i am a free person.. not bound to anything save for the saving grace of my Lord Jesus Christ.

i gues i really need a lot of strenght fr Jesus right now.. everything seems os uncertain and iffy.. Jesus is the only one tt's constant.. and yeah.. He is my saviour.. i will trust in Him.. and i guess this entire situation takes a whole lot of control under teh Spirit.. in direction and in purpose.. thank You for always standing by me Jesus.. i love You.. help me pls? I know U're with me wherever i go.. i jus pray that i'll feel You go with me even as I go for class.. i'm not sure how far i can make it or take it.. but pls..j us go with me? thank You..

i am sad

i feel emotionally bankrupt. i smile on the outside but beneath it all i'm cracked and lonely. the reason why i fill my life with activities is to fill that void inside that says that i'm useless and worthless or that i'm good for nothing. i keep myself busy running from activity to activity because i feel inadequate when it comes to making friends who i can talk to day and night. and i have no idea when this transformation took place. i always thot that i was able to make a friend out of anybody. but somehow that doesn't seem to be so. or maybe i'm jus paranoid cuz i'm judging it on what i've been feeling from dance blast. but i know i'm running away from something and right now i'm wondering what i'm doing all this for.

the time of reckoning is near and i feel empty. i'm a christian so how can i say this? but yet i feel that way. i long for a friend. someone who can hear me out without judging me. who won't preach at me. josh does that sometimes and my sister has her own burden to bear. my mum doesn't understand and my dad won't really too.. he can't even grasp the single sentences that i speak sometimes and honestly.. my parents have their own worries.

i long for support but yet i reject those that are offered because i want to prove that i'm strong. i sob in my room because outside, i want to smile. i dunno if its jus cuz i'm like that, weak, sensitive or if i'm just recovering from my parent's divorce - its effects which i'm not totally aware of or are in control of.

i feel like i'm not in a relationship anymore. i dun hold anything against God.. or maybe i do but i feel like josh values the things of his church more than me. i dun get smses or calls save for the one on monday nite which i really treasure. n its cuz i dun get to see him so often and when we do meet, its only for a while. i miss him so much, doesn't he know that. i want him to tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. and i want to tell this to him but i'm afraid that i'm too much. can he take it? i'm trying to send silent msgs to him, but he doesn't seem to get it. and i'm wondering if this is worth it or not. tues he's at prayer meeting when i'm thinking that maybe he might wan to get back after his monday stay-in so i don't arrange anything and wed he's out with his cell gp when i'm not at the party cuz i wan to talk to him. i tell him indirectlly that i miss having dinners with him without him rushing home or not eating cuz his mum's prepared dinner alr and he tells me very sweetly to have a good dinner. tonite i want to meet up and i guesss its my fault that i'm last minute but he has a song writing class at o school.

thing is, i don't want to be unreasonable. i know that his heart is in the right place, with God. and i dun even want to begin tussling with God over his heart or his time. things like these are limited and who am i to question God. if i were in his shoes, i'd do the same thing too. but i'm feeling these things.. and they aren't nice feelings. are they normal? i can't seem to help missing him or feeling like we should be spending more time together.

last nite papa called me to ask me where mummy was staying but i can't tell him.. and i jus felt pressured.. why me? emotional blackmail? tt seems to come from both sides.. but yet i see eveyrthing so clearly.. i see where everybody's coming from.. i'm still me.. i'm still rational. but why can't i be rational in how i feel? am i supposed to feel this way? do pp feel this way?

it didn't help that i got fish and chips instead of my chicken chop.. and when i wanted to go down to meet josh - time is very impt to me and for me to want to go down tt badly, i tink its value is pretty high - he says that he wants to pray before the workshop.. tt i shldn't.. so okay.. i back off.

pp expect me to be surrounded by friends. but they don't see the lonely person that's in me. i'm independent because i'm lonely and i want to show that i'm not.

i'm so hard to figure out because i don't let pp in. i don't want them to see the real me. the real weak me. i reveal that side to josh but he tells me to be strong and he wants me healed badly. i understand his intentions but i need time. and somehow it's stopping me from being the girl that i want to be. the weak me. the real me.

can anybody see this cry for help?

help.