disoriented

i dunno what to feel now. jus had an sms exchange with josh and we were just talking about how i'm not an easy gf to have. and i'm wondering.. now, is that me? how come me and jie dun seem to have that problem connecting and all? is it cuz its cultural differences? but i love this guy and how can i be treating him this way if i do? i'm wondering why i'm always somehow so negative and down in front of him when i can be hyper bubbly in front of my frens? surely i dun treasure them more than him do i? or am i jus putting on a mask in front of them?

honestly i feel torn on the inside. cuz sometimes i feel like.. argh.. i'm trying to be a good gf but yet i don't seem to be able to. and sometimes i find like wanting to meet up with him jus sacrifices so many things. my time with my frens, my alone time, my study time... hmm.. all of a sudden i feel like its a very 'my' thing. maybe that's exaclty the problem? but sometimes i feel like he doesn't understand my situation. like here i am.. busy busy busy and he's jus getting on along fine. either he has superb time mgt skills and discipline or i'm jus busier. and sometimes i feel like he doesn't appreciate that. well i didn't tell him abt him not understanding cuz he has.. he's jus been absolutely wonderful.. but i did throw out the idea that i hv more social gps to upkeep than he does.. but come to think abt it.. is that true?

and i am kinda ticked that C and X are complaining abt not being able to have those extra tix for the concert. i mean.. here i am doing u a favour with the tix and i'm trying my best alr. if you wanted the tix for somebody else.. you shld've said it earlier! now that the tix are gone.. u jus gotta live up to that fact la.. i mean.. i've alr promised someone else she's gonna get the tix so i can't go back on my word can i? i feel so misunderstood even tho they didn't say anything hinting at that. it's prob me being sensitive but this is wad i feel and well.. i jus feel terrible abt it. to tink P was so nice as to willingly give up her tix jus so the extra person can watch. but hearing her voice tt day.. i knew that she was disappointed that i would give up something she got first. i mean.. tt made up my mind for me.. and well.. in general eveyrthing stinks la.

so im feeling emotionally bankrupt now. like... who wants a piece of me?! come and get me! it seems to be an open invitation sometimes. and its not that i dun love those who i all-of-a-sudden feel torn by.. i love them and tt's probably precisely why i feel the way i do. argh.. i hate feeling this way.

josh says that later we're kinda gonna talk abt things from his side. and well.. let's jus say that i'm prepared for it. and i dunno why but whenever i tink abt this.. i jus feel like crying. i mean all i wanna do now is run into his arms and cry and say how sorry i am and say that i love him so so much. i dun wanna be so selfish all the time yet there are so many times that it isn't that i don't want.. but i can't. cuz if i do, it jus means giving up a lot of things that are impt as well. such as my studies. if it drops... there's jus so much expectation to meet.

am i jus cracking under pressure? is this me being irrational? it feels like pms all over again.. but i've jus gotten my menses.. so.. and anyway that shldn't be an excuse. but yeah.. this is wad i've been feeling all day. perhaps the only relief i kinda got was during class and when i was at the swaps table. people see a cheerful person but josh sees a different side. are they both me? i told him that its possible that i'm so 'negative' in front of him cuz i've exhausted all my happy-fuel on people who aren't tt close to me. but i'm not negative... am i?

sigh.. lotsa questions and only God has the answers.. i tink i jus need to give it to Him all over again.

Jesus... take over... i need Your help.. Your divine wisdom in this..

Help me.