a painful moment

when my sis told me not to make josh an isaac in my heart that would have to be sacrificed one day, i didn't think that it'd be so soon.

nevertheless, Father, if you want this and this is Your way.. then i say.. let Your will be done. becase there is nothing under heaven that is beyond Your grasp. and i know You love me. i know You love him. i want to thank You for everything that is happening now, whether i view it as good or bad. there is still a lil part of me that def wants everything to work out jus fine and smooth sailing.. but Lord.. Your way is the Best Way and I want to be obedient to Your call.

i'll admit that i was and perhaps am (jus a little) irritated and annoyed at the fact that this entire thing can be 'held up' by evan's comments. but i know how you have placed us all under authority for a reason and it is by your hand that her authority is above josh and hence myself as well. so i wanna release forgiveness and blessing upon her life. i pray that your holy spirit will cont to anoint her and pour favour over her and the things that she does. lord bless her for being such a faithful leader who's truly one that is accountable to you for her sheep and for always being a watchful shepherd that's responsible. lord i pray that you will keep her safe in your arms and strengthen her as she conts to labour for you for your harvest fields. i pray this in Jesus' most precious name.. the name that saves and brings freedom.

so now i'm waiting and i'm gonna see what comes out of this.. but lord, i'm so thankful that you have given josh such an obedient heart to honour his leader. this really shows how much respects authority and that he has a fear of you more than he does to man. it will certainly be tough breaking the news to the pp that i've jus told .. so lord i pray you help me get thru, cuz it really is tough for me. i give my pride to you. i've told xuan that thigns are complicated and lord.. i pray.. pls pls pls help me thru this, cuz i'm abt to be crushed by this. but i know that in your strength i am more than able to stand underneath this. and i am more than a conqueror in this. i bless your name Father! hallelujah! i rejoice because of this hard time when i can experience you n see you the most clearly. i rejoice cuz i get to see how both of us will react in such situations when hard times come. there's still that glimmer of hope that everything will be okay in the end.. but Lord.. its really all up to you.. and i give all my rights as a person up to you now. what you will lord.. that's what my life will be.. help me thru though.. because i am weak and i feel alone and inadequate.. but you are able. and i will trust in that strength cuz ur strenght is made perfect in weakness. lord let it be so then, that your glory may shine for all man to see. hallelujah!

i tink i kinda know why i feel e way i feel

alright so me and josh are together.. and well when i'm with him.. it feels great.. honestly.. i know this is a guy that loves me and treasures me alot. and i totally agree with xuan wan that now tt we're in a relationship, the whole thing abt him being the One kinda fades away.. its like yes.. u still wan ur relationship to work out, but somehow u jsu dun see it in the sme definite i will marry him way. queer things relationships are.. =) guess for me now its really a.. let's jus see where God takes us. i mean.. everything's in His hands eh?

but yeah.. back to how i feel. so i feel awesome when i'm with him, but last nite while i was at dance i had this really odd feeilng come over me. almsot a kidn of unsettling.. that this wasn't right. and i have no idea why.. cuz logically speaking, my leader (gary) knows, my mum n sis know.. i mean.. pp that shld know already know and they're not objecting to it at all. so why am i feeling this way?

guess i have a lot on my mind. one is the fact that ik now God is calling me to be a woman. and i'm wondering.. shld i have given myself somemore time to develop and grow as a person/woman before i step into a relationship? am i jeopardizing God's plan by doing this? but den again.. nobody can jeopardize His plans.. i mean.. He's not God for nothing you know. and everything's always in perfect sync. but somehow i jus can't help feeling bad that i'm .. u know.. not the holy holy person that i shld be and not doing things right

so yeah.. i guess tt's the issue ba.. tt i'm not right. and i guess God's showing me something tt's in my heart. adn its just these words.. legalism-legalistic and pride. its quite a bit to type out cuz words can't work as fast as our minds do. but yesh.. i tink i have a problem with pride which in the end leads to legalism in which i jus refuse to let on that i hv weaknesses or that i'm doing things wrong. so i follow a set of rules that i'm setting out for myself but which i tink God has set out for me. and this def applies to how i wanna date etc etc.. expectations, steps, the right way. while its true that Jesus said that He is the only way (ie. there is a right way to things) i was suddenly reminded that God called us to love Him first and foremost and den to love our neighbours as ourselves. and i did speak to jie abt the r/s and wad i thot abt it la.. adn she says that there is nothing wrong wif going into a r/s..

interesting thign now also is.. i jus read prime tie with God and i tinkt he msg is so so apt la.. so appropriate for such a time as this in my heart. let me cut and paste..

The Works of the Flesh
TGIF Today God Is First, by Os Hillman

You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." - Deuteronomy 8:17

We've all heard someone say, "He's a self-made man." What are they saying in this statement? Are they saying that this individual achieved success by his hard work and sweat? Many a person has achieved success through honest hard work. There is a danger for any of us who may have achieved significance through our work. That danger is the belief that we achieved it through our own efforts apart from God's grace and mercy. When we live in this belief, we assert that we are entitled to certain rights and privileges because of the position we have earned and feel we deserve.

The prodigal son's brother who refused to celebrate the wayward son's return was a man who felt he was entitled to certain rights. He saw himself as one who had been faithful to his responsibilities and deserving of more attention. He could not appreciate his brother's failure and the pain of falling into a sinful life because, in his mind, he had never failed. This pride kept him from experiencing God's real grace. This is how legalism develops in believers. It grows into a cold heart and an insensitive attitude toward others who may have stumbled in their lives. This same brother did not truly understand the love of his father apart from works; for he felt he gained acceptance only by doing his job.

Do you feel accepted by God, regardless of what you do? Have you wrongfully viewed your works as something you alone have achieved? These are the minefields of which each of us in business must be aware. God has gifted us to accomplish anything through His grace, not by our works.

yep.. so i feel like stepping into this r/s has really showed me somethign abt myself.. adn i'm jus thankful that its GOD that's showing me this. cuz i mean.. i ask Him to (reading power of a praying woman now!) and i tink its really the fear of failing - or appearing weak which was why i didn't feel comfy telling my frens abt the decsion to get together with josh. czu it woudl seem like i jus gave in to pressure or wadever.. aka it didn't go according to plan. it didn't go right. but i tink God's showing me jus how my frens feel sometiems and how i need to be human. that this flesh is part of me.. with its emotions and all tt.. so while i try to live by the Spirit by submitting to Him, i shldn't despise my flesh, His handiwork and it really is a part of me much more than i give it credit for.

i'll admit, i'm still struggling with this.. tho it makes me feel way way better now that i've told the girls at the office and now that i've tagged it on my blog.. and also cuz i've been praying all morning.. i keep thinking that i shld repent and jus step out of the r/s. cuz i mean.. i wanna have the fear of the Lord.. but yes.. this is another thign tt was revealed to me.. i have the fear of the Lord cuz i have the fear of Man.. ironic isn't it? so yes the fear of man is a snare.

one thign that i know is true of God cuz its in His Word and everything we sing in worship too.. and tt was wad came to me first when me n him jus got tog tt nite.. is that nothing i can do will ever make Him lvoe me less :) yep yep..

i love my GOD!

16/7/2006

what can i say? we're officially together.. heh!

roti john and world cup

roti john comes from dinner.. the dinner i had with him after my dance pract. i actually headed to eunos instead of bedok cuz i jus didn't wan to go thru the interchange.. and i thot.. why not drop by his place esp since we've been sms-ing and thinking how we're gonna meet up this weekend. and he was so so sweet.. was worried for me actually.. tt i wouldn't be able to get there on my own.. and he cam eto the bus stop in like super fast mode la.. such tt when i got down, he was walking toward e bus stop lo.. and he looked real nice in his singlet and shorts.. i tink he's got a real nice bod.. ha.. jus wished i had one to match his.. hahaha.. but i'm not gonna talk abt my body or my fats anymore.. i'm staying off tt..

anyways.. he came and he didn't see me at first.. so he was calling me and i didn't pick up cuz i can see him alr ma.. but ya.. now i know.. i shld jus pick up cuz i kinda worried him.. like i said before..

he wanted me to go to his place and for me to drink his soup.. but i didn't wan to cuz i felt lik ei would put his parents out and its real late.. so i didn't want to like trouble them ba.. a bit rude.. but he was kinda insistent so i felt bad when i said that i wanted to jus go to the hawker centre to eat roti john.. haha! cuz he seemed like he really wanted me to go to his place.. but turns out.. he wanted to do tt cuz he jus wanted to spend more time wif me.. and i honestly feel like tt too.. tt i wanna spend more time wif him.. this week i've met him la.. but its been those short occurrences kinda thing.. so its a tad hard la.. i tink we jsu both wanted to sit down side by side and enjoy each other's company.. heh!

and he was even willing to watch world cup wif me if need be lo.. and get this.. he doesn't even like soccer! so im really kinda touched at that gesture la.. =) and when he was sending me up he actually didn't want to go one.. but i thot he did.. so i sent him off real quick.. but jus now on msn he confessed tt when we were walking up the stairs he was like.. 'oh.. so this is it >.<' and i told him that now i jus feel like hopping on a bus to his place lo.. hahahaha

he also said that he LOVED me other than caring for me.. and i cannot tell the number of times i feel like jus saying tt to him too.. i LOVE u!

but i also wanna be able to mean every syllable and every meaning tt associated with that phrase.. that when he's crippled or blind or poor or in a bad mood i'll still want to shower my love on him.. yep.. not jus because he's fine and he's doing good now.. but regardless of these .. i love him for who he is.. and who God has made him to be.. yep!

still.. it helps to say it here to get it off my chest.. i love you josh!

communion

oops.. forgot to blog this int he earlier post.. itnerstingly.. today when i went to his church.. they had communion.. and when he came over last week.. WE had communion as well! sooo hmm.. is God trying to say something? =) interesting eh?

out with HIM!

(original title: out with my joshie) hahaha alright i'll admit tt tt's a lil bit too mushy for me.. but tt was wad he was saying last nite.. like he suddenly mentioned 'joshie' sooo hmm.. i'm not sure if its gonna stick la.. but heh! josh sounds nicer la.. heh heh..and maybe 'baby' but abit errrrrrrrrrrr... not yet la hor.. still dun feel the inclination to do tt.. and the only time i feel tt i prob cuz i'm influenced by all the lovey dovey couples arn me.. heh!

but yeaah.. today spent the whole day out wif him.. and i didn't even realize tt until we were heading home today and i was like.. hey.. i spent the entire day with u.. and he went.. yaa.. 12 hrs! hahahaha WOAH tt's a whole lot of time to spend wif one person entirely.. gosh.. and he sent an sms la.. saying that he really enjoyed himself.. spending e day with me and having me with him always.. he also said tt he wanted to spend more time wif me! sooo -beams- wheeee.. but i know la.. gotta spend time wif God too.. and cannot neglect other relationships..

honestly i was feeling really bad for not going for FIRE conference and choosing to go to City Harvest instead. on one hand, it was cuz i felt weird jus popping up like tt and plus i'm so so blur on the timings i jus didn't want to go.. and on the other hand, i jus wanted to go to city harvest cuz i know i'll be ministered there and plus josh is there too! tho tt reason slowly got eliminated as i went thru the day.. it was jus more out of convenience later on to jus tag on to where he's going.

but boy am i glad i went. i'm jus so so amazed at the grace of God and the omnipresence of Him. that He can be at so many places at one time and tt He has His eye on me always, no matter where I am. i'll bet tt if i were at the conference i'd be ministered all the same as i was minstered at chc. but yeah.. i felt the call to focus on my ministeries and wad He's called me to do.. today the topic was on pressing on for ur vision and not shortchanging it for anything less. and i feel like wad i need to do now is to ask God for the vision. cuz honestly.. i was feeling terrible there.. it was jus feelings of condemnation for not being at the conference and not being a faithful leader. and ya.. jus everything. but i knew that this wasn't of God.. but of the devil.. i was so confused lo when everything was going on.. tt i could't worship properly.. and i kept thinking abt the girl that josh said he had the minor 'crush' on.. turns out i guessed correctly who she is.. and he.. on his part made it a pt to pt her out to me (so awww rite? jus when i was thinking abt it too) but anyways.. yeaaah.. it was quite a struggle actually.. but God came thru for me. and i jus broke down cuz i was touched by the Holy Spirit when the preacher asked for all the leaders to go forward. i didn't go la obviously.. cuz i wasn't with chc.. but i knew that God wanted to minister to me there and then. and so i received. boy.. i received His anointing.. His grace.. and His strength. something that i've been neglecting to acknowledge all this while even tho by His grace, things have been happening.. and so i'm gonna start anew.. and i know that i've been given a new lease of life thru Jesus Christ who died so that those who believe in Him would have eternal life and life more abundant. for whoever the Son sets free is free indeed. and if we confess our sins (which i have alr done) He is faithful and will forgive us of our sins. YES AMEN i believe in it! this is the Word of God for me! Holy Spirit.. take away every false thot and make it obedient to Christ. burn the truth deep within my soul that i may worship you in spirit and in truth!

hallelujah!!

and what was interesting is that i was praying that God restore to me what dreams and visions that i had before and den the pastor prayed for that same kinda restoration.. so i was like WOAH! God.. u spoke to me!!! =) so tt was really awesome.. i like going out with the confidence that God is with me and that i have that direct connection with Him.. it jus makes me more bold and more authoritative ba.. like i've got tt kinda security with Him.. so yeaaah..

dunno why i kept on having doubts too tt Jesus is the Son of God and that God is the God of the universe.. it was like the old times like tt.. but i jus told God tt You don't need the wisdom of Man to defend you and show u to be true.. so i jus left it to God and let my spirit answer my flesh ba i guess.. like i jus remembered all tt i went thru in the past and i know that God is real.. but yeaaah. i plead for the blood of Jesus to cover me right now.. and to cloth me with the breastplate of righteousness, the sword of truth, the helmet of salvation most imptly.. yep!

hmm.. this post began with an acct of how i spent my day with josh.. but turned out to be what God was saying to me during the service.. but heh! i guess the HIM is my Jehovah too! =)

josh told evan abt us anyways.. as in where we were at on a r/s level and she basically gave her blessings in advance la.. so josh was really happy abt tt.. hee! and he told me that he felt that he isn't shortchanging something better in the case of us lo.. meaning tt this is a step in the right direction. and he asked me to go pray abt it. i guess he could tell from my face that i wasn't exactly on the same track as him.. cuz i knew that i wanted to do so much more for my ministeries.. and i guess im really thinking abt the new sem and how things are gonna be differetn or more focused with the thigns i choose to do at school ba.

yes... FOCUS.. tt was the word that God gave me b4 the sermon was preached and voila! the topic was on vision.. so i was kinda stunned.. and i guess.. pleasantly surprised.. like God really jus wants to speak to me abt it la.. so yeaaah.. =)

i really really wanna jus sit alone and spend time asking Him what He want sfor me in my life and what purpose He has called me to. like a specific one.. and i wan to be able to see where He wants me to be.. like in a job.. in ministery.. etc etc.. i need vision..

but yeaaah.. anyways today was a super enjoyable day.. =P went to his place and den for brunch.. and his mum cut fruits for us.. =) and i love being close to him.. its jus so nice... tho when we sweat.. its a lil irritating la.. haah cuz we're wet .. hahaha ewwww.. tho at his home.. when i'm on the comp and he comes nearer to me.. its jus 'waaaaaaaah' hahaha okay.. i'm a chiko bu! but he's also a chiko-pek! cuz i realize jus now when i was exiting the seat he refused to turn out but he jus sat there and put his leg down aka normal fashion.. and tsktsktsk. only realized this when i was bathing.. tt my butt would be in his face.. and that if i fell.. i'd be on his laps.. HAIYOOOH.. CHIKO!! must tell him lo next time..

went for the futsal challeng thing today too.. so glad tt's out of the way.. not tt i ddn't enjooy myself.. but it was jus stressful thinkinga bt how to get there and fretting over interview questions. guess i was quite moody in the morning cuz i had so much on my mind. but yeah.. thank God josh was with me the whole way.. we got lost togethre and he really asked arn a lot for me.. haha its nice to be taken care of by him la.. =) and at the games it was REALLY interesting.. cuz it was like a silent game.. but heh! also cuz i've never been spoken to in sign language before.. so it was reallyr elaly cool! n i wanna learn sign language! and i even got teased in sign language.. hahahaha so tt was amusing.. hahah

but yes.. really appreciative of josh coming down together wif me on a hot sat afternoon when he could've been at home watching his anime.. and den sweating it out at the futsal challenge when he does NOT like football.. (really!) and den later travelling back for service..hhahahha.. yep yep..

happy! and i think i really saw so many sides of him today. like this morning we were talking abt denial and how everybody actually has a lil bit of it.. and i'm quite surprised tt he's actually so deep.. like he thinks abt such stuff.. and i never knew tt he could be funny and all tt.. and have other expressions other than the ones i usually see.. haha it was nice seeing him arn his cell group la.. see how he interact wif em.. and yeah..t hey're reeeaally nice.. had dinner with em all afte their service.. and yeah! nice pp.. could really talk to em la.. =)

only thing is.. now i tink he's not good looking enough.. and i dunno WHY!? argh.. not say i v pretty also la.. but somehow i jus think that he hunches a bit much.. yet.. cannot be so shallow rite? wad matters is character lo..

speaking of which.. i have to tell him to treat his mom better and to not depend on his rank so much for his confidence.. yep.. shall refer to this next time.

AND it feels weird being so close to him now.. given all our past back in sec sch.. i guess i'm wondering wad pp will think.. as in.. pp in sec sch willt hink... hmmm shld i even be worried abt this? sigh. more next time.. if this issue doesn't get resolved..